walking cartoon

Posted on August 11, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

I was a walking cartoon

Of habit

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an apparition

Posted on August 10, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

an apparition on North Avenue, visited itself upon me while I was in a state of exhilaration, having convinced myself that I had just earned a quick $3000, although all that I had really done was not buy the new $3000 MacBook Pro with the retina display. But it still felt revelatory.

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allow it

Posted on August 10, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

“Allow kindness to happen…. just let it happen…. ok?”

Me

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it’s there

Posted on August 9, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

just because it’s there

doesn’t mean you have to eat it

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nice

Posted on August 8, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

why are there days when it feels like such a strain to be nice to people? i don’t mean to not be nice but sometimes it’s so hard to shed that protective shield that protects me from people who might not be nice to me.

the concept of Nice bewilders me. most of my (online) dates seem to end with my date telling me you seem really nice, but i just don’t feel any chemistry here.

in which case, Nice is really an thinly veiled insult. the worst thing one can be called is Nice. When people tell me they think I am Nice, I feel humiliated.

it’s far better applied to objects… that’s a nice set of wheels you have there… or body parts… i think your toes are rather nice… or an entire culture… the people in Bogota are always so nice.

but otherwise, Nice is almost as bad as Interesting… or maybe even Above Average. Which is not a very nice place to be. (i really did not want to end the post with that statement, but i lost all control.)

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what i did

Posted on August 7, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

all i did in the world today has been take take take.

i can tell you that i am taking for my own survival. or maybe not taking, but sealing off from giving. because all i can think about is finding work and subsidizing my existence. yet i know my existence has a much higher comfort level than a lot of other existences. existences that could really use my giving. if i were not so intent on taking.

take for example what I have taken today. food, gas, coconut water, time, wireless space, printer paper and ink.

compared to what i have given.

um… hmmmm… nothing is coming to me at the moment. 

i like to think of myself as someone who has so much to give but doesn’t have courage or the confidence to do it.

and taking does not do very much other than take.

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proclamational haiku

Posted on August 5, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

i hereby proclaim

my dietary secret

don’t keep food at home

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Posted on August 3, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

once i was paper
then i was plastic
once i was vapor
now i’m elastic

me

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regret #97

Posted on August 3, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

as soon as the plane landed in Chicago, I knew I had made a humongous mistake. gone were the mountains and the mists above the mountains. gone was the rainforest. gone were the double rainbows over Green Lake. gone was the easy access to Vancouver. gone were the hiking trails, even within the city. gone were my loving joyful (even when cynical) friends. gone were the intoxicating bookstores, gone were Thursday nights with the Black Cat Orchestra at the O.K. Hotel,  gone were the Master Musicians of Joujouka hypnotizing us all at a former comedy clubs, my afternoons spent at the Elliott Bay Book Company. 

gone were the long bike rides from work, the mystical trails from the Microsoft Campus to that neighborhood whose name I forgot. The one with the incredible shrimp burritos. And the woman at the cafe who I did not have the courage to ask out, which was fine because she already had a boyfriend, but I accepted that. gone was she.

what made me lose heart and courage? why could I not wait a month or even a day or a week? it was a moment of panic… as if my entire security blanket was whisked away from me and I was falling fast… all because of a fucking sinus infection. a very prolonged one… but still. why did i fear i could not rise above it?

it was a stupid fear and i let it rule me…  and then, as soon as the plane landed, and my heart sank, sank further further down as I was driven through the hellish, joyless suburb office park highways… how could I have let this happen?

i should have never

left Seattle just because

it would not stop raining

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EPA

Posted on August 2, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

today I started my regimen of EPA. Actually about 5 minutes ago, but so far I cannot tell if my mood has been altered or maybe I should give it another 10 minutes and then decide if it is good for me. it sounds miraculous… healthy moods and blood sugars, reduces pangs of hunger, anti-inflammatory, antioxidant,  a potential cure for spiritual malaise, isolation and self-reproach. As I type these words, I can almost sense the transformation.

you know, there is nothing more frustrating than trying to speak with an authentic voice, from the soul… and then trying to be witty… and ending up sounding sarcastic. I must find a way to not let self-consciousness invade my consciousness. It’s so hard… but ridiculous, too. Sarcasm is so easy to fall into, but it is utterly useless for anything but sucking up space.

My hope is that EPA will reduce any inclinations for drifts towards sarcasm

according to Google Analytics, there is nothing to feel self-conscious about… my blog is an island and I am its sole visitor and inhabitant.

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8 questions

Posted on August 1, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

have you ever felt this urgency to say something, to put something out there in the world, but you have no sense what that would be or how to articulate even the question of what it would be?

have you ever really tried your very hardest to open your heart and be kind to people who kind of scare you,without ever quite getting there?

have you ever feared that certain people do not want your company on the elevator, even before you’ve even met?

have you ever tried your hardest, your very very hardest to arrive at all of your destinations on time, or maybe even just one of them, and you leave yourself all of the time in the world to make sure you get There when you are supposed to, but somehow manage to find some sort of an obstacle… of traffic… of spirit… of intent?

have you ever not thought that there are things you cannot understand?

have you ever said… this is it… there isn’t anything more… .and that is just fine?

have you ever not hoped that tomorrow will be better, or even just as good, as today or yesterday?

have you ever grown weary of my questions?

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something i never knew

Posted on July 31, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

specifically, kayaking. the 2nd time in my life… the first being almost 20 years ago on the most beautiful river imaginable, the Wailua River in Kauai.

the 2nd being the surprisingly choppy and almost shockingly warm waters of Lake Michigan. I had to be pushed and prodded to try it again. feeling particularly frail on this 4th anniversary of my near fatal accident…. probably the exact date anniversary of the first of my 2 cervical spine fusion surgeries… which is a miracle i survived. the accident, and the fuck ups of the surgeons. 

i remember, when I got back on my feet, the sheer wonder of walking downtown, on Jackson Blvd., slowly making my way to the lake. just the sheer wonder that I was able to walk at all, and walk without support, towards the lake that is always yearning for me (it’s nice to feel wanted). Just the miracle of being able to walk…. in that eastbound way.

And then tonight, my friend C who 4 years ago, helped me find balance as I learned to walk again, and who pushed/prodded/encouraged me to walk further almost everyday. i still can’t believe she was there in that way. Rather incredible. I don’t think I’ve ever been there for anyone in that way…. except maybe for my dad in his dying days from brain cancer.

I don’t mean to sound maudlin here and now to you (whoever you are)… but there was C again, this time pushing me into the kayak in the turbulent waters of the lake. i really just wanted to swim and float. but after capsizing about 6 times, I got into a groove and paddled further and further from shore, directly into the sun just as it emerged from a cloud and was shining on me.

And then I capsized again. And I was probably never happier as I was in all of the stumbles over the course of so many moons it would be ridiculous to count.

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there is a choice … isn’t there?

Posted on July 30, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

between writing and eating raw almonds and listening to Debussy. i think i cannot do more than one at the same time.

i fear i am a liar and a scoundrel. I just sent an email to my therapist, informing her that I would have to cancel this week’s session because I just had a rather exorbitant car repair bill and I barely have enough funds to make it through August intact. But I still feel as if I am a liar and a scoundrel because i am on the verge of abandoning therapy… or more specifically, the cognitive behavioral kind I mentioned a couple of days ago. had I not been on the verge of abandoning it, i would not have minded going into further into debt for another session.

but enough about therapy.

which is interesting because it occurs to me that I have barely uttered a single word all day day, except to the cashiers at Whole Foods and the coffee person at Metropolis. I can’t think of anyone else.

oh i almost forgot, the shoe person at REI, which was my great moment of humiliation of the day. i’ve heard people raving about these “5 finger” shoes for barefoot running… they’re supposed to work wonders on the feet, knees and back. So I went to REI to give them a try, in spite of the fact that I don’t even run. The shoe person patiently watched as I struggled and struggled and struggled my hardest to fit each toe into each finger of the shoe… and he was so patient… but I just could not do it. It was literally physically and psychologically draining… demoralizing. I bowed down my head in shame..  admitted my defeat.. wept and surrendered.

The shoe person suggested that I buy the shoes, give them a try at home, and if they did not work out, I had an unlimited time to return them!!! And I was about to do so, but then the realization came to me that if my therapist learned I had invested in a pair of shoes that I could not even put on my feel… what would that say about me?

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Posted on July 29, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

over-caffeinated and under-funded

me

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the personal chef

Posted on July 29, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

I met a woman from Chattanooga tonight who stopped herself en route to Honduras to stay in Chicago several months ago and now she cannot leave. She has been living with a family and cooking their meals. And then cooking meals for friends of this family… and now is starting a business as a personal chef.

I said, wow… Chicago has really opened things up for you. That’s so cool.

She said she is baking protein desserts and muffins laced with whey protein, and making protein bars and protein meals for the Chicago Bears.

I think I may have said wow, that’s so cool, again.

She said that the hand of the Lord was the only explanation. The Lord is guiding her and creating these opportunities for her.

And, you know what? As alien as this sounds, I was totally moved by it. She was so authentic and I know she really believed and maybe I was just in one of those moods you sometimes get in where you are just moved by someone’s belief.

I am not one to question anything other than myself.

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