specifically, kayaking. the 2nd time in my life… the first being almost 20 years ago on the most beautiful river imaginable, the Wailua River in Kauai.

the 2nd being the surprisingly choppy and almost shockingly warm waters of Lake Michigan. I had to be pushed and prodded to try it again. feeling particularly frail on this 4th anniversary of my near fatal accident…. probably the exact date anniversary of the first of my 2 cervical spine fusion surgeries… which is a miracle i survived. the accident, and the fuck ups of the surgeons. 

i remember, when I got back on my feet, the sheer wonder of walking downtown, on Jackson Blvd., slowly making my way to the lake. just the sheer wonder that I was able to walk at all, and walk without support, towards the lake that is always yearning for me (it’s nice to feel wanted). Just the miracle of being able to walk…. in that eastbound way.

And then tonight, my friend C who 4 years ago, helped me find balance as I learned to walk again, and who pushed/prodded/encouraged me to walk further almost everyday. i still can’t believe she was there in that way. Rather incredible. I don’t think I’ve ever been there for anyone in that way…. except maybe for my dad in his dying days from brain cancer.

I don’t mean to sound maudlin here and now to you (whoever you are)… but there was C again, this time pushing me into the kayak in the turbulent waters of the lake. i really just wanted to swim and float. but after capsizing about 6 times, I got into a groove and paddled further and further from shore, directly into the sun just as it emerged from a cloud and was shining on me.

And then I capsized again. And I was probably never happier as I was in all of the stumbles over the course of so many moons it would be ridiculous to count.