the problem

Posted on January 20, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

the problem with many of the sentences i write is that they are made out of words, often misspelled, but more often mis-used. i am not writing them as much as i am typing them. my typing is improving as my vocabulary declines. this would not be a problem were language my only medium of expression. but fortunately i have one other medium, which is silence.

and my ideal of silence is an active, dynamically Present silence… not the noisy cluttered kind of silence that often inhabits me. not the constraining kind of silence that tends to constrain me. quite the opposite. i’m talking about a silence that allows and hopes for things to happen outside of myself. a silence that stretches itself out towards the world while sitting deeply nestled upon it.

i really didn’t expect to go off on that tangent. i must admit, i am not even sure i understand it. i was only trying to find words to describe thoughts that are not at all formulated. it’s hard to articulate a feeling that hasn’t happened yet. it’s much easier to type it and see where that goes. it’s somehow much harder to be silent.

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where i am

Posted on January 19, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

when i look back upon my blog posts, it pains me to notice how repetitive i can be… writing the same things over and over again using different words in different combinations … but always always the same things. such as my issues with decision making. i write on and on about decisions and my clumsiness in making them.

so i really don’t have anything to add to that, but i feel compelled to say that this most recent decision i have made on where i will work and where i will live, this feels like it might be near the top of my all-time worst decisions… maybe my most disastrous. i think i did all sorts of contortions to justify staying here, in this city i have always wanted to leave. i somehow convinced myself that it would be easier for me to start a new life in a familiar place rather than an unfamiliar one. after all, one packs one’s baggage wherever one goes.

i let all sorts of things sway me into thinking that this is where i should be. i relied upon opinions and insights of various friends and family who could not imagine me being anywhere else because this is where i have always been and they could not imagine this place without me, nor could they imagine me outside this place.

i do not blame them, of course. but i do sort of blame myself for not having the inner strength, resolve and courage to make the real actual changes that i have been pining away for, for years and years. i was on the precipice of it, and i like totally crumbled, cowered, congealed, caved in… and i guess you can say, imploded …  and now i am paying the price.

so now what should i do?

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Toast

Posted on January 18, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

My voice feels like toast.
And it sounds like gravel, but
Who am I to judge ?

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the saboteur

Posted on January 17, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i always thought i was a pretty decent team player until i was asked to behave as a member of a team. last night a canadian friend told me that my rebellion against team-building exercises (such as the much dreaded company employee bowling party next week) was an act of self-sabotage.

maybe she was right. i’ve always been my most capable and dependable saboteur. the question comes down to… what can i sabotage next? another job? another relationship? another performance? who and what will  stop me from standing in my own way? why does it always have to be me?

 

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parenthesis

Posted on January 16, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i was hit by a broken tidal wave, but, most fortunately, i was wearing a device that kept me afloat. by the time i returned to shore, it felt like my world was enclosed in parenthesis. i guess i am not alone, in that respect. there are many of us who dwell in parenthesis, while others live on the outskirts. the grass is always greener, they say. but what about those places where there is no grass? the gravel is always grayer.

my fears of the worst may be coming true. i was informed today that if I do not attend the company bowling party on Martin Luther King Day, I may be in serious trouble.  serious serious trouble.

i’d rather not even talk about it. but i can assure you, i will not be bowling.

love,

LP

 

 

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a ramshackle affair

Posted on January 15, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

some days i feel like a chesapeake bay retriever. other days i feel like a wounded officer from some ramshackle disbanded army. one is n0t necessarily better than the other. i think the important thing is just to act p0lite and leave the empty seats to other people on the train, no matter how long the ride, no matter how far the distance. if there’s a price for dignity, it’s a small price to pay.

last night i dreamed we were sitting along a body of water, either a swimming pool or a pond or the sea. i guess we were sunbathing, although there was no sun, not even one. just a vacant sky. you looked completely different. a different body. a different face. different hair and different legs. and a different voice. but i knew it was you because who else could it have been? (i am not privy to that kind of information.)  we were sitting there talking, but in muted tones. i got the sense we were not talking about your concussion, nor the 18 kind of headaches it induced. we were not talking about your neurologist. nor your osteopath. we were not talking about applying for welfare.

i recall i once told you that i felt that i had gotten off easy because by the time i had emerged from my concussion, i had no memory of anything. not even one single headache. a blessing in disguise.

but that’s not what we were talking about as we sat by the water. it felt easier than that.

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the courage to sleep

Posted on January 14, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

and then it occurred to me that sleep can be redefined. there are ways to make sleep into something voluminous and profound and constructive, something consequential and transforming. it doesn’t have to be downtime. it can be 8 hours of work of another kind. the liver needs it, needs you to replenish it, but you have to show up for it by sleeping or else you will miss it. you cannot afford to neglect the liver.

sleep is not something to be belittled or discarded. it can be the antidote to everything. sleep lost cannot be regained, but that’s why it is urgent. and i am late!

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the back row

Posted on January 13, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

you may have seen me sitting in the back row at the james bond movie tonight. that was me. i kept wandering out of the theater, behind the screen, out into the lobby, beneath the projection booth, past the concession stand, treading lightly. all the while, my body remained planted in my seat. splayed out.

i kept drifting off into dangerous waters, into the shadows. just like in the movie. but once again, it was only my mind veering off into panic mode. somehow this email i received at work, with an invitation to the company bowling party on Martin Luther King Day sent shivers down my spine. i guess i HAVE to go…  but what if there’s another company bowling party the next week… and then the one following that? what if there’s an avalanche of bowling parties and slowly slowly i get buried in it? what if i’m expected to talk to people? what could i possibly have to say? what happens if i never summon the courage to stop forcing myself to act like someone else? what happens if i can’t live up to expectations, either my own or anyone else’s?

and then it all kicks in. all i have to do is simply return to my seat and watch the projections on the screen in front of me instead of the one inside. every time i leave the present, that’s where the terror begins. it’s only bowling.

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lather

Posted on January 12, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

some people celebrate surviving their first week at a new job, binging on various forms of stimulants. my version was to binge on yogurt, 2 different kinds of yogurt within 20 minutes. i am all lathered up on yogurt (and one, just one, glass of wine). too lathered up to be writing anything that might be visible outside my apartment. which i know is not something i will ever have to worry about.

but whether you live in my apartment or elsewhere, i hope you will always feel free to correct my behavior. i am really mostly open to any suggestions, critique or feedback. i am a good listener. i am flexible. i am malleable. and sleep deprived.

and still in a state of shock that my life has changed so drastically yet so insignificantly. when you think about it, it makes you want to ingest more yogurt.

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pro forma

Posted on January 10, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i apologize to everybody for being invisible these past few days. i have been overwhelmed and shocked and disoriented from my previous state of semi-slaggard-ness to a regular 8:30-5:00 full-time day gig. i can’t believe that I have to start getting ready for bed in less than an hour and it’s only 9:30pm.

in these first few days, my thoughts have drifted between how am i ever going to get through this to i don’t think i can do this to how long will it take before they realize that i am the wrong person for this job to i wonder if i should just tell them i am the wrong person. 

but then the reality check always comes down to health insurance. what are we but slaves to health insurance?

this week is “on-board training” which means that i am inundated with instructions, one-to-one meetings, committee meetings… i am mainly being trained by this one person i’ll be working with, rather high-energy (at least compared to me) and today i was forced to ask her to speak more slowly and allow me time to write down each step of a specific task. we spent about 2 hours in orienting me to using the postage meter.  And that still was not time enough.

beyond that, meetings with people who assume i have far more intelligence and knowledge than i could rightfully claim. at one meeting, i was almost caught dozing when someone asked me if she was using the phrase “pro forma” correctly. it brought me back to 5th grade when i was very frequently caught staring out the window, and my teacher responded by moving my desk front row, center. away from the window. pro forma.

and the last thing i’ll say because it’s time to brush my teeth. i have no idea how people do it. how do people wake up 7:00 a.m. to get to work by 8:30 a.m., work for 8 hours, try to fit in a workout, get home in time to eat dinner before 9 p.m., and then to bed at 10:30? how? and i know i have it comparatively easy.

but comparing myself to other has only wrought anguish and despair in my life.

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i can’t figure out why i feel so annoyed today. is it too simplistic to place the blame on Starbucks who now wants to charge me 20 cents extra for decaff when it is i who should be charging them for inflicting my ears with their annoying music?? or maybe that’s not really fair of me. some of you might be thinking, “hey, Lost Pedestrian! why do you always pick on starbucks? if they are so annoying to you, why don’t you just go elsewhere?” to which i might say, “dear reader, i think you raise a valid point.”

or maybe it’s due to my anticipatory anxiety over my new job that starts monday. i really have no idea what i’m getting into, but it’s scary. maybe it’s due to trying not to be scared.

or it might be due to the fact that it’s getting darker later in the day, and i was so happy when night fell at 4:00. i was hoping that would last a bit longer. the days are growing longer. the nights becoming shorter. and time is spiraling out of control. and i find that to be annoying.

or maybe it’s trying to base my plans upon friends who do not really know how to make plans. but the only way to avoid that is complete isolation.  and when i isolate myself, i become the annoying and the annoyed.

or maybe it’s because i can’t quite get over my annoyance with starbucks.

Posted on January 6, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian | Leave a comment

strange and alarming

Posted on January 4, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

forgive me, for i have misspoke. again and again i have misspoken. my lack of eloquence since the holidays began and into these first days of 2013 has been strange and alarming. it’s not exactly a matter of saying things to real and imaginary people that i don’t quite intend… it’s much more related to volume. there are just too many words to choose from, and finding that right combination has eluded me, more so of late. the problem has been that i am responsible for speaking for myself, and i am not myself these days. if only i could find an editor… an editor who is not me.

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unlikely

Posted on January 3, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

my favorite moment in new york last week. on the subway. this guy seated next to me reading Essays by Montaigne…. he kept looking over my shoulder as I was pretending to read History of the Thirteen by Balzac, but not really able to focus on it since i was hyper-aware that someone reading Montaigne was looking over my shoulder. finally, he turned to me and asked me if Balzac and Montaigne knew each other. And I tried to explain that one lived in the 19th century while the other didn’t… so it was unlikely they had met. i felt bad for the guy because he was under the impression that i knew what i was talking about. 

that and the Ann Hamilton installation at the Armory were the high points of an otherwise disappointing trip. Image

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not being a new years resolution person, i am surprised about how flooded i am by so many of them. but perhaps i should just try to keep things simple. i don’t know where to begin.

so i will simply resolve to live less fearfully, if not more courageously, if not more boldly. and then everything else can flow from there. i think that sounds pretty good. somehow i might also be able to fit in piano lessons and learning to speak Italian.

the way this year ended, in an avalanche of fears… the surgery, the healing process, the big decision between 2 jobs in 2 different parts of the country, the huge fears of making the wrong decisions, the fears of certain friendships evaporating, and my attempts to revived them ineffectual. the fears of things being frozen and stuck, the fears of my fears paralyzing me.

but i guess in only a few hours i will have no choice but to move on, as best as i can. and all of those fears will be rendered moot and groundless.

Posted on January 2, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian | Leave a comment

dinner music

Posted on December 30, 2012 by The Lost Pedestrian

i can’t seem to break free. i can see the walls. i can feel them. but i can’t penetrate. i wait for things to happen instead of making them happen. that’s certainly no way to penetrate a wall. or so i hear.

when i was in nyc, we were sitting around at the dinner table, and my friend W described me as “proper,” and i could not tell if she was joking or not. i was not trying to be proper. i just didn’t feel that there was room at the dinner table for me to express myself, or i felt like i had nothing to say. or if i had something to say, it would come out wrong. or even if it came out not wrong, no one would get it. so i said nothing.

but it reminded me that i am living in a container. with a tight lid. why it is so hard to unscrew the lid?

i keep myself in check from getting hurt. from disappointment. from thwarted expectation. but therein lies the danger.

this insular world i have built around me is a place where change does not happen. and i desperately need that to happen. but i can’t seem to make it happen.

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