when i look back upon my blog posts, it pains me to notice how repetitive i can be… writing the same things over and over again using different words in different combinations … but always always the same things. such as my issues with decision making. i write on and on about decisions and my clumsiness in making them.
so i really don’t have anything to add to that, but i feel compelled to say that this most recent decision i have made on where i will work and where i will live, this feels like it might be near the top of my all-time worst decisions… maybe my most disastrous. i think i did all sorts of contortions to justify staying here, in this city i have always wanted to leave. i somehow convinced myself that it would be easier for me to start a new life in a familiar place rather than an unfamiliar one. after all, one packs one’s baggage wherever one goes.
i let all sorts of things sway me into thinking that this is where i should be. i relied upon opinions and insights of various friends and family who could not imagine me being anywhere else because this is where i have always been and they could not imagine this place without me, nor could they imagine me outside this place.
i do not blame them, of course. but i do sort of blame myself for not having the inner strength, resolve and courage to make the real actual changes that i have been pining away for, for years and years. i was on the precipice of it, and i like totally crumbled, cowered, congealed, caved in… and i guess you can say, imploded … and now i am paying the price.
so now what should i do?