3 minutes

Posted on February 9, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

the city unfolds itself above me and who was i not to yield? granted i had often thought i would fold up within it but i have the dangerous habit of making assumptions when none are called for. but i guess if everyone saw things that way, there may be no need for therapists or psychiatrists.

such as the one i have been auditioning of late. the first session went remarkably well, i’m not quite sure why it felt that way. the 2nd audition was on the un-smooth side.

we sat facing each other, only a few feet apart. me, on her couch, she, on her leather armchair. we sat there in silence for an eternity. finally she asked me, so how would you like to begin?

Me: I’m not really sure what to say.

She: Well, how would you like to use our time today?

Me: I really can’t say.

She: Last week, we covered a lot of ground and I think you gave me a pretty good sense of your background. Is there something you’d like to discuss today?

Me: I’m not really sure.

(pause)

Me: I’m not sure where we left off (I actually could not even remember what we talked about).

(pause)

Me: I’m sorry, I’m not really good at beginning conversations.

She: (head nod)

Me: I guess I’m kind of shy when it comes to new people.

She: Have you always been this way?

Me: I guess so. I’m just not good at these things.

She: Do you recall when you first became aware of this?

Me: About 3 minutes ago.

She: (looks at clock). I’m afraid that’s all we have time for tonight. Maybe we can pick up on this, next week.

Me: OK, thank you.

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a hum

Posted on February 8, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

were it not for the constant slow hum drone of traffic, i would feel completely unearthed, disoriented. there’s a hum through my window, but it feels so so very far away. there are lights moving but i can’t tell if they are controlled by humans or just essences of mutable forms that appear and disappear. but this hum… i can’t tell you how comforting it feels. it’s another layer of my cocoon. the very same cocoon that i am intent on stepping out of.

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too late

Posted on February 7, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i wish i had not waited until this very late hour, for me, (that was once an early hour back in the days of underemployment) … i wish had not waited until now to write anything. that stands amongst the day’s biggest regrets.  for now i am now too weary to write.

although this weariness set in about 8 hours ago, i am finally succombing to it now. so i will simply say goodnight and i hope to see you soon.

good night.

Love,

LP

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the lion’s share

Posted on February 6, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

as i feared, this is indeed turning out to be the week where i am being exposed as a fraud. at work, they are asking me to do more and more things that require knowledge and expertise in matters of which i do not have a clue.

i’ve been there a month. So now I must ask, how much time does one take when one starts a new job before one admits one has no idea how to go about doing what one is asked to do?

Or before one surrenders and simply says, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, for what I have done and I am sorry for what I cannot do. At what point should I mention this to them without jeopardizing my health insurance? Yet keeping this inside of me is eating away at my health.

Maybe it’s best for me to say–I’m sorry I gave you the impression that I had the capacity to understand and execute what you are asking of me.  If I managed to sound smart and confident at my interview and now you are seeing me in real life, I will take the lion’s share of the blame. I know you would agree that there are multiple forms of intelligence, but I do not happen to have the one you had expected.

At one point do i ask my supervisor if she can find someone else to take care of the growing list of the things I am slowly proving I cannot do? Is 5 weeks too much time, or just the right amount?

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a wonder

Posted on February 5, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i smiled not once today, and i did not do it consciously. the entire day vanquished at the very moment when i thought i had lost my wallet, which is the worst possible calamity that could possibly happen to any sentient being. i lost all composure, completely freaked out, collapsed into utter disarray. and even when i eventually discovered it, on the carpet far below the desk at work, i never fully rebounded, never quite got it back to together. it’s a wonder i am here to tell the tale. 

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nerxious energy

Posted on February 4, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i’m nerxious about the work week ahead. i’m always this way on Sundays. this dread, this fear that this week, this very work week that begins tomorrow, this is the week where i’ll be exposed. somehow i’ve managed to get by… or at least deluded myself into thinking i am getting by. but this might be the week where my days of getting by are numbered.

but then it occurred to me that even if i really truly am exposed, a large segment of the population would not even notice because they have other things to tend to. which is completely understandable. in actuality i wish i could help them in tending to their things. but they wear so many layers, the last thing they want to do is to bother people, which is what they assume would happen if they asked for help tending to their things. they won’t let me help.

so how do i reach them? i can’t seem to penetrate the layers. my attempts to penetrate feel woeful and inaccurate. but there must be a way.

i just have to be a better listener. at least try to be a better listener. but sometimes it’s hard to listen when they sway the conversation back to me, asking me about me.  and when i talk about me i feel so selfish. because i know i am selfish. but somehow i’ve gotten by without very many people noticing (except for you). but this may be the week when people take notice.

if i could figure out a way to put if off for another week… one more week.

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Charade

Posted on February 3, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i feel terrible. all of my plans hinged on riding the elevator down from the 21st floor of my apartment building to my car in time to get to the theater before it was too late. but it came to a halt on the 13th floor where this woman walked on. I nodded my usual silent hello and she nodded back. she then started to make gestures that i think were referring to my thick down parka. she reached her arms into a vast circle, as if she were hugging the trunk of a redwood tree. then she raised her arm to point up, and i think she was trying to tell me something about the snow. And then she moved her legs up and down and I could not figure what that meant, but I think she was planting an image of someone tromping through snow. it all felt so frustrating because i could tell she had something urgent to tell me, or maybe just banter.

I just got terribly confused by all of the postures and gestures and wordless vocal sounds. There were so many of them, and in such tight a space.  at parties, when people play charades, i am usually the very worst. but i think charades are vital exercises. we live in an age where it is vital to develop fluency in wordless languages.

i hope she was not frustrated with me by the time we reached the ground floor, or I hope she did not think of me as not the friendliest neighbor. Maybe I could have just intervened and kindly tactfully asked her to write down what she was trying to communicate, even if it became 12 pages of writing. that’s what i used to do when i couldn’t speak.

but how condescending would that have been? pretty condescending i’d say.

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February 1st quandary

Posted on February 2, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

all of these people who have so many things to say. how do i become one of them?

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audition #1

Posted on February 1, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

hours and hours i exerted all day in search of some form of inspiration, but instead was consumed in unsuccessfully deciphering copyright regulations and licensing agreements, far more than my feeble brain could grapple with.

other than that, today was audition #1 for my new therapist. very formal, but i kind of liked her. i’m not sure why. or maybe i tried to like her. and now i can’t remember. but there will be another audition for another therapist next week. i think i will need to assemble a panel of judges to help determine the winner.

after therapy, i stopped at a Panera for a tuna sandwich which was acceptable. it came with chips which I did not eat, but I gave to a homeless person as i walked to work. i wish i could offer more than that to everybody. especially when it is 0 degrees outside. how do people manage?

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the explanation

Posted on January 31, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i believe i have entered my third trimester of reading The Brothers Karamazov, reading only a few pages each day on the train to and from work. sometimes the bus. and i’m not at all self conscious about it. not at all self-conscious that my default face is somber, and i wear these dorky glasses that might be cool to some people.. but i’m not at all self-conscious that i must look like some eccentric academic to the commuters around me. somber face with thick glasses buried in 750 page Russian novel that he may never finish. i don’t even think about that, not the slightest. but i do wonder if that is why nobody ever strikes up a conversation with me on the train. but then there’s another voice reminding me that most of them are wearing headphones. and probably listening to the audiobook version. that explains everything.  

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more on staying

Posted on January 30, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

it’s so strange telling my friends they did not know how close I came, within millimeters of leaving them for another city. But I don’t think they really even noticed. Maybe I was supposed to make this big blaring non-verbal announcement that I’ve “finally” for-real decided to stay and begin life anew and be more invested with my friendships, but no one really seems to pay much notice. They’re not celebrating because, to them, i am always around somewhere, usually not being celebrated, which is a good thing. But still, if one person would voluntarily tell me that they are glad i am staying, that would mean everything.

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contained

Posted on January 28, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

there was a time when the road opened up to me, and i fell into it, inert. breaking the fall with my wrists, somewhat embarrassed. but had it been you instead of me, i would have told you that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. quite the contrary. heed these words, i insisted, although i know not what of i speak.

for days now, many days, i have made gestures here and there to this and that person, never really following through. beginning things and then withdrawing. detached. i’m not sure what is going on here. in this psyche. the thoughts churn incessantly. words, words, and more words. but empty empty words. beginning things and then stopping. and then forgetting what i had begun. and then remembering. and then feeling embarrassed for not having the tenacity, drive or focus to carry things through.

i’m not quite sure what is going in this psyche. for someone who is so concerned about their voice, it’s remarkable how incommunicative you can be. it makes one wonder.

it’s like you’re waiting for time to stand still and someone to come to your rescue. and just when you know it’s time to take action, something stops you. keeps you contained, ineffectual, unsatisfied. there’s got to be a way to push through it.

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inauthentic

Posted on January 26, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

my lack of confidence that i once thought i hid so well is not quite as hidden as it used to be. it might just be me, but i think people are beginning to notice. or maybe it’s just being so vulnerable at a new job that is so alien to me. it’s hard to feel authentic in a place where i am not sure my authenticity would be welcome. it feels like an act of courage–an inner strength–to be authentic. but you know, sometimes i get so lost i couldn’t even tell you what “authentic” even means. my moments of authenticity are always startling to me.

 

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detached

Posted on January 24, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

these disorienting days trying to orient myself to my new full-time work schedule with this new job. the rush to the trains. the rush back from lunch. the rush to the trains. the gym. the shower. the bed.

in between moments of shock and panic, i remember that the reason i stayed in this city was to start life anew. i know it’s been less than 3 weeks on the job, but i am impatient and a bit worried that i have not affected much change at all. it’s almost as if i am grasping to reclaim routines.  other than trying, trying really trying to fall asleep before midnight. but i hear that people do that all of the time. it’s incredible.

i’m feeling not much of anything today. gliding through emptiness on a full stomach. detached.

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the village jew

Posted on January 23, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i had no way of getting out of it. the mandatory employee bowling party at my new place of employment (probably topped the charts on my long list of alienating experiences. i did not bowl, but i learned the hard lesson that if you don’t bowl at these things, then you are expected to banter, which makes me realize i am a much better bowler, which i didn’t think of at the time.)

when i arrived at the bowling alley, the company’s HR person asked me to sign in, and then wait in line with other employees to meet this bald, jolly looking white man who i guess is now the company’s biggest investor. i introduced myself to him and he asked me some questions about my background, which I attempted to answer but i could tell he couldn’t hear a single word i was saying. the music blaring so loudly, my voice could not amplify above it. which was another excuse not to banter.

i think my voice is still not quite there yet after my surgery… although I notice that when i am talking to myself, i am talking a bit louder. i am not sure if anyone else notices any difference just yet.

i did manage to start one conversation with this guy who teaches either animation or digital fx or something like that. i would not know the difference. when i asked him about his work, he told me that he had just finished his first feature film. And I said, “cool!” He went on to tell me that it was a Christian film, something to do with the new testament. He also goes to these Meet-Ups with other Christian media artists from time to time. I nodded my head. Then he asked if I was a Christian. I said, “no.” (awkward pause). Then he asked if I was agnostic. I have this fault of giving out too much information to the wrong people and for some reason I told him that i am agnostic but culturally Jewish. After another pause, he replied, “So you are one of God’s chosen people?” I think I said that I wasn’t sure if God would think of me as his ideal choice, but whatever i said was drowned out by the bowling noise, techno music and a multitude of flat screen tv’s.

i probably should not have written about this conversation in my blog because i know i will have a sudden rash of “likes” from Christian bloggers who might see my blog as a form of salvation.

Oy.

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