the right lane

7 hours on the road today. 370 miles. traffic is like some sort of balancing act between harmony and dissonance. i usually see myself as the type of person who naturally veers to the right lane to dodge the drivers with aggression issues. it isn’t worth it to try to compete with or out-maneuver them. why even bother? the sooner they are out of one’s lane, one’s view and one’s life, the better. that is why we, in the right lane, are, as a sub-culture, happier.

until a truck going 20 mph slower suddenly cuts in front of us. then, against all our instincts, all of our right-lane aspirations suddenly disintegrate, and we become the left-laners we have spent our lives trying to avoid. it helps to keep reminding one’s self where one is most content. just get out of their way and let them pass.

avoid the competition.

which is completely anti-thetical to everything i’ve been been taught since infancy.

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iowa (2)

i’ve spent a lot of time these past few days in iowa contemplating how, oftentimes, art, creative engagement with the world, can sometimes be my one act of defiance. And it’s a defiance that i need to exist in the world. it is not a choice, but a necessity. it’s not a function or a distraction, or even an identity. in all honesty, i don’t know what it is. maybe the closest thing i have to courage. i wish i had more of it.

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something

there are some who might say  you have a way of always taking nothing and turning it into something when it really really was nothing, but still, you made such a big deal out of it. and you just clung on, holding on to it until it evaporated back into being nothing.

but then there are others who might believe that what you saw, but overlooked, or entirely ignored, really was something. and it could have been even more than something if you had the presence of mind to acknowledge it. but now it’s possible you may never ever know.

that must be a hard cross to bear.

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in transition

i am trying to find a new way to write that does not allow sadness to creep in. i know this is going to take a lot of work, a lot of effort. and it has to be completely authentic. i don’t know how it will happen, nor how much time it will take, but i hope you can bear with me during this transition. i hope i am up to the task.

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iowa (1)

i love it here in iowa. i am finding this to be a place of many trees. this is the place they gather these days, and why not?  and many mosquitoes.

you can feel the mosquitoes looming, you know they are there, waiting, breathlessly.  your skin waits in anticipation, on guard.

and then the fireflies. i don’t even have words for the fireflies.  it’s all about the fireflies in iowa, but nobody talks about them. i can’t tell if they are taboo or forbidden. if you mention a firefly in this town … well, it’s best not to.

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the clarion

1 a.m. at the Clarion Highlander Convention Center Hotel in the one unpleasant part of Iowa City.  A series of unfortunate turns and just as unfortunate choices led me here. But i know i am here for a reason, and it is not meant for me to comprehend in this moment.

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the great destroyer

i wish i knew more about physics because i’d like to understand what happens to energy when scattered, dispersed, without a channel, a vessel. since i “completed” The Un Known, I really have no idea what to do with myself. Maybe that is why art-making is so scary to me. When something ends, everything collapses. every fiber of my identity was at stake. now the energy exists but knows not where to go. it just bounces around in an empty chamber.

just as the end of my friendship with d mystifies me, even 2 months later. i have no idea how that happened. i somehow thought that everyone was supposed to like me. isn’t that how it works? i don’t understand how d lost sight of that. or what i’m supposed to do to cross the void of d’s absence. or why i cannot stop feeling hurt. i’m reading d’s emails, looking for signs and clues and subtexts and codes and nothing adds up–except that i realize that email is the great destroyer of human relationships. this is at least the 3rd time this is happened.

it would be so much easier if d lived more than a mile away.

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networking: a non-user’s guide

i just spent 3 and a 1/2 days at a library conference, which i justified to my employer as an essential networking/professional development opportunity. but i forgot to tell them that networking may be at the top of the list of things i am not best at. and that sending me out on networking events is like sending someone naked out into an ice storm.

this is the 4th time i’ve attended this conference. at the previous 3,  there usually is one person who decides to latch on to me and this person tends to be an evangelical Christian. and there’s no shaking them off, as hard as i try. this always happens. it must be some vibe i am giving off. i can’t figure it out.

but this year was really easy to not network because, on the numerous shuttle bus rides i shared with i don’t know how many librarians, everyone was immersed in their iPads or smartphones. nobody was making any attempt to acknowledge the person seated next to them. i guess i fell into that behavior, too. so i’m not judging anyone. texting came to my rescue. even when the batteries on my iphone were dead. texting mime.

last night, i decided to give networking another try at a cocktail reception at one of the conference hotels. it was a sad affair. very hushed. stark. not many people. the few there were coupled at tables, speaking in murmurs, speaking in code. i picked a table to stand at by myself and waited for people to come to me, while i ate cubes of cheese and celery. I thought, ok, 5 more minutes and if no one makes any effort to talk to me, i had put in my effort to network, and that’s all that counts.

but then this guy came up to me, and read my name tag, and he was trying to figure out from the name tag what i did and where i came from and what products he could sell to me. i told him that his products, which were books, of course, some of them Christian (another one!!!!), sounded interesting, but once i convinced him that the library i work at  has no budget for books, and is actually only there for cosmetic purposes, our conversation took an unexpected detour. he was very curious to know what it was like to be an art student in the 1980s. He was really into Kate Bush (and still is) and also loved The Residents and Snakefinger. I told him that i had not heard any of them in years, but i would listen to all of them on Spotify, which he had not heard of, I was surprised to learn. But, I guess that counts as some form of networking, does it not?

Then today, in the exhibits hall,  where all of these peddlers of various products (online databases, library furniture, storage systems, and many many publishers, some big, some small). I stopped by the booth of one of the smallest, a Toronto-based publisher of poetry. I told her I admired the books they had on display but apologized that i could not purchase them for my library since it is only there for cosmetic purposes. And then I revealed to her my actual motive, which was to see if she might have any interest in my haikualization work. And she actually seemed intrigued. So I guess that might be considered networking, too, would it not?

So, I came back from the conference knowing more about Kate Bush, and maybe an option for creating a book that has absolutely nothing to do with my job.  I am not sure how I will “package” this to my bosses tomorrow. But they may not even ask.

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the un known

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swallowed

this video project  i’m currently working on has swallowed me whole, for now. i’m almost There, but i keep finding little things in my perfectionism that keep pushing There a bit further away. But some time, one must say, ok enough.

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busy

the question is hitting me again, why am i not in new york? but instead of answering it, i’ve fallen into an obsession. i’ve been working on my first video piece in (I am guessing) 28 years. i can’t say for sure quite why this is happening now, but i can tell you how it happened. in my car. in the rain. i am just lucky that i was about to run out of gas because with a full tank, i would have at least 6 hours of footage. and the project would certainly outlive me, if it hasn’t already.

it reminds me of a haiku i wrote a few year ago

guess who is busy

replacing one obsession

with another one?

but it is literally true, once again.

when confronted with loss and disappointment on many levels, my only recourse is to throw myself into making art. because it’s the only thing i might be capable of doing, even doing it badly. it’s there for me and it’s all forgiving.

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excerpt from something that may become something else

I don’t’ seem to get out much these days, but the nice part about never going anywhere is that when you actually do go out somewhere, people are always so surprised to see you. which leads me to wonder if i should not go out more often.

Tonight, I was trying to count the number of people I do not know in the world. I counted at least 1000 of them in the park while the orchestra played some sort of pretend gypsy music. There were maybe at least 90 musicians in the orchestra who I probably did not know.

But I do not think any of them really knew who I was either.

Besides those 1000, I counted maybe another 1500 complete strangers on my walk along the interstate to the Megabus, which was packed to the gills.

But I mean this literally. I figured there were maybe 209 people in the Megabus, not counting myself or the driver.

And there’s the doorman at my hotel, who recognizes me, and we exchange hello’s, but I can’t say he really knows me. Although I appreciate that he often rewards me with packages addressed to somebody else who hopefully does not know me.

So, according to my calculations, today I have encountered about 2701 people who do not know me.

But here’s something I just realized. I can’t say for sure that I really know that much about them.

And maybe they feel like I do not care about them. But it’s not true. Not true at all. “How could you say that?” I might ask.  “You barely even know me!”

Then I might tell them about what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy seated next to me was reading Essays by Montaigne.

He kept looking over my shoulder as I was pretending to finish The Brothers Karamazov.

But I could not really focus upon it because I was rather distracted, hyper-aware that someone reading Montaigne was looking over my shoulder.

Finally, he turned to me and asked me if Montaigne and Dostoyevsky knew each other.

I tried to explain that one lived in the 19th century while the other did not, although I could not say for sure who was which. But I think I persuaded him that it was probably unlikely that they had met.

I felt bad for the guy because he was under the impression that I knew what I was talking about.

If only he knew who I really was.

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a sighting

doublerainbow

it was starting to feel as if everything was crashing in on me. that state i am prone to fall into when you’re not around. by “you,” i guess i mean my communal you. i was so getting used to you being around that i wasn’t sure how to be in your absence.

until…

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celebrations

so strange. i just learned i do not have pancreatic cancer. my doctor said he was so overjoyed, he wanted to kiss me… and i guess, i’ve been totally totally in denial about the whole thing, i simply said “oh.”or maybe i just wasn’t ready for that kind of intimacy with my doctor, especially since he is about to retire.

what was even stranger was that instead of this joyous celebration of my aliveness, my thoughts immediately descended into this anticipatory dread about a mandatory meeting i had to deal with at work. and it’s only now that i realize how neglected my pancreas must feel, since we were supposed to celebrate together. But there’s always the weekend.

Except that I am supposed to give a short speech tomorrow at a memorial for a dear friend who passed away a couple of months ago… actually it’s more of a celebration of her. so i am trying to recall an amusing story to tell about her. And I’m drawing a blank. Nothing specific comes to me. So now I’m looking at our gmail chats, which are really hilarious, but, taken out of context, mean nothing. how do you describe the sensation of knowing the essence of a person… and keep it light? it’s really hard to do.

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depth

i’m at work. it’s pretty quiet here. i wish i had an office, one with a mattress of some sort instead of a desk, and dark window blinds. it would be nice to have a job where all that was expected of me, performance-wise, was power napping. even though it’s quiet here, there’s not much depth to it.

yesterday i discovered that the very unpleasant person i technically am supposed to supervise had applied for my job, but was turned down in favor of me, even though she’s worked here for 2 years…. and then to add to the insult, she had to train me to be her supervisor. i’ve been in that situation myself and found it degrading.  no wonder she is unpleasant, but i think she would be unpleasant to be around under any circumstance. and she’s a hockey fan, too.

i think i am beginning to show signs of progress on piano. my “jingle bells” is approaching rhapsodic. my “give my regards to broadway” almost has a spritely bounce. i can almost play simple short strains of mozart and beethoven. but i really need to work on “happy birthday.” And I still don’t know how to read all of the notes.

And I didn’t have any dreams last night. i wonder why.

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