i wish i knew more about physics because i’d like to understand what happens to energy when scattered, dispersed, without a channel, a vessel. since i “completed” The Un Known, I really have no idea what to do with myself. Maybe that is why art-making is so scary to me. When something ends, everything collapses. every fiber of my identity was at stake. now the energy exists but knows not where to go. it just bounces around in an empty chamber.

just as the end of my friendship with d mystifies me, even 2 months later. i have no idea how that happened. i somehow thought that everyone was supposed to like me. isn’t that how it works? i don’t understand how d lost sight of that. or what i’m supposed to do to cross the void of d’s absence. or why i cannot stop feeling hurt. i’m reading d’s emails, looking for signs and clues and subtexts and codes and nothing adds up–except that i realize that email is the great destroyer of human relationships. this is at least the 3rd time this is happened.

it would be so much easier if d lived more than a mile away.