so strange. i just learned i do not have pancreatic cancer. my doctor said he was so overjoyed, he wanted to kiss me… and i guess, i’ve been totally totally in denial about the whole thing, i simply said “oh.”or maybe i just wasn’t ready for that kind of intimacy with my doctor, especially since he is about to retire.

what was even stranger was that instead of this joyous celebration of my aliveness, my thoughts immediately descended into this anticipatory dread about a mandatory meeting i had to deal with at work. and it’s only now that i realize how neglected my pancreas must feel, since we were supposed to celebrate together. But there’s always the weekend.

Except that I am supposed to give a short speech tomorrow at a memorial for a dear friend who passed away a couple of months ago… actually it’s more of a celebration of her. so i am trying to recall an amusing story to tell about her. And I’m drawing a blank. Nothing specific comes to me. So now I’m looking at our gmail chats, which are really hilarious, but, taken out of context, mean nothing. how do you describe the sensation of knowing the essence of a person… and keep it light? it’s really hard to do.