i don’t know what it is about me that can’t accept any decision i make, that constantly, voraciously questions the choices i make. as soon as i reach 1 decision, i see only calamity and doom. while the choice i did not make arises from calamity and doom to a state of splendor and exaltation. i can’t allow myself to be happy. i don’t know what it’s like to not feel turmoil.

i wish i could just for one moment allow myself to celebrate something instead of always, always feeling erroneous, incomplete, that i am selling myself short and caving into habits i am too fearful to break out of.

if i could just, for one moment, trust myself, to be able to make a decision that is not immediately assaulted by fear, shame, guilt and trepidation. i wonder what it would feel like to be like someone who can think clearly and have faith and confidence in their decisions and actions. i bet it would be more fun.