The Lost Pedestrian

it’s been an “interesting” weekend. I was prompted by a librarian friend to go to a conference of librarians, even though I could not afford the exorbitant registration fee. but it was quite easy to sneak in. Like, do they really need to hire security to guard the entrances to prevent people from crashing a librarian’s conference? i was just relieved they were not guarding the exits.

The keynote speaker was this guy from Apple, Guy Kawasaki… very much like a Tony Robbins motivational speaker, or like Tom Cruise in that film Magnolia. There’s something about motivational speakers that makes me want to crawl into an igloo at the furthest reaches of the earth. Which is where I went afterwards.

Yesterday  I volunteered at a food bank, packing up packages of bread crumbs into boxes, 12 bags per box. It was very hypnotic, but I’m sure that would not be the opinion of people who have to do that kind of work every single day. I think I need to do more of that sort of thing, maybe with other food stuffs.

After our shift, the volunteer manager person told us we had packed over 2 tons of breadcrumbs… but I really wanted to know how many carbs that added up to. I don’t think they were gluten-free.

the firewalls of decency have shredded my past

i was just another servant who was built to last

but the errors of my ways got me circling fast

around the bend and back again

an unceasing lover and an unseemly friend

with an eye for beauty and a heart to tend

Overfed and unassertive. An arduous combination.

If 1 came here with a sense of purpose, everything would be so much easier, wouldn’t it?

I thought the chicken kabob in yogurt sauce would keep me buoyant, but they did not mention it was butter yogurt sauce. And then the cranberry bar was more like a brownie than a granola bar. And now I feel like a case of cranberry bars, filled to the brim.

Things are never what they appear to be.

A five dollar bill falls from my pocket and the very kind woman in orange pants and a baseball cap seated next to me informs me of this. I feel guilty for typing words about her while she sits 2 feet away, maybe writing similar words about me.

Narcissism. Again.

My decision to stay at a b&b (found on Airbnb) also kind of pushes my buttons. All of my intruder issues. The same ones that I have when I stay with friends and am hyper-vigilant about intruding or not intruding upon their lives. It makes no sense for these issues to arise when I am actually a paying guest.

But still… there are me and my issues.

Maybe it’s reverse narcissism.

perpetuating uncertainty

might be my calling card

these days

when i awaken from inexplicably comical dreams

as opposed to the other kind

it makes me wonder

about what it must be like

on the other side

that place

you know

the one you’d rather

avoid

that one

as opposed to

this one