i’ve been thinking a lot these days about detachment and adaptation. wondering which is which. how to get from one to the other. in my childhood,  i developed my detachment skills quite well, as a shield  to protect my psyche from dense layers of shame i seemed to carry around with me far too much of the time. from my family, from my environment, from the culture. from the unknown. an acute awareness of everything i thought i was lacking. it was a heavy weight that i’ve never quite shaken off.

but here i am now.

so it turns out, detachment became a survival skill of sorts.

i never imagined it would manifest physically as a survival skill I would need to get through my accident and all of the surgeries and the long recovery. While I was on a feeding tube for 4 months and could neither eat nor drink as humans do, I had to detach from hunger and thirst by imagining that food was made of concrete and water was sewage, which made it a lot easier for me to be around my friends who tried their best not to eat or drink around me, but I told them that it was ok, because I could not understand their cravings for inanimate objects and waste matter. i felt sorry for them.

Detachment will do that to a person.

Detachment also comes in handy at those moments when I find myself on stage, fighting off tremors and nausea just to walk out there. Detachment allows me to be an artist, maybe more so than expression.

But it’s not something I would recommend because it can become a bad habit that can only be disrupted by some sort of shamanic death, which perhaps may happen by the time i finish typing this sentence.

Adaptation is not very easy, not much fun,  but, if given the choice, i would much rather adapt than detach. It might even be a strength. Especially when it comes to unrequited love, which, very fortunately, I have only read about but not yet experienced. But I hear that people can adapt to heartbreak by seeing people in multidimensional ways. not thinking of a relationship as all or nothing. finding other dimensions to love about a person in a non-clingy, non-possessive way. I think Barthes described something along these lines as NWP (non-will to possess). And then realizing that one’s life is far richer with the objects of one’s unrequited love than it would be without her/him.

I think if I could not adapt, I would probably only have 1 or 2 friends in the world. I would not be quite as wildly popular.

About The Lost Pedestrian

In my wanderings throughout the moments/days/years, I try in earnest to find the mystical within the mundane and the mundane within the mystical, oftentimes confusing one from the other. I have wandered and roamed through many a city, many a town, in a state of wonder and bewilderment, without necessarily going anywhere. I am easily lost, but eventually found. (I am guessing you have just found me). My sincere hope is that you will find Something in this warehouse of thought, memory and false memory, words, numbers, tangents, murmurs, echoes (lots and lots of echoes), voices, dreams, and other paraphernalia.
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