my timing has been off all day. like, tonight… trying to capture the skyline of the wondrous lightning storm with my iphone camera, snapping photo after photo, always the lightning striking in between the photos. that’s kind of like how today has been, timing-wise.

and i guess, bad timing has a way of bringing out all of my vulnerabilities. so easily bruised. a friend in NYC has not responded to a 10 page handwritten letter I sent over 2 weeks ago… only terse emails about how hot it is… and I take this as a personal affront… well not an affront necessarily, but imagining all sorts of transgressions, things I’ve said, not said, done, not done that have created this schism of my own making.

it’s a nasty habit.

i would not recommend thinking the way i think. i would not wish that upon anyone. not even republicans. i could not be so cruel.

but really, this is a day where i see my hopes dreams friends fading away and i am blaming myself for that. i could blame the stars (maybe mercury is in retrograde). I can blame my own fears, blame them for fortifying walls all around me.

i am going to post this because i can barely tolerate writing in this tone of voice. it isn’t what i came here for.