fewer friends

Posted on August 17, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

the subway was packed to the gills, more packed than the usual rush hour kind of packed. i barely had room to find a handle and when i did, it was only by the tips of my fingers.

as the train was slowing to one stop, this guy squeezed right next to me and yelled into my face, “So, you’re not going to let me off the train, are you?” It took me a second or 2 to notice that he was trying to get off of the train and i guess my body was blocking his way. but the train hadn’t stopped yet, so i wasn’t aware i was blocking anybody’s way.

And I said to him, “But the train hasn’t stopped yet, and I was not aware i was blocking your way.” But he was gone before i could complete my sentence.

And I looked all around me and thought, “Well, great. Now everybody thinks of me as the kind of person who blocks other people from exiting trains. No wonder i have fewer friends these days.”

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field exercise 1

Posted on August 15, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

Go to 2 different Starbucks. Try not to order anything. Take note of the activity around you. Describe the customers. What do they look like? Are they alone or with others? If alone, what are they doing? What are they not doing? If they are conversing, what are they talking about? Have you met any of them before? If so, under what circumstances? If there is music playing, jot down an excerpt of the lyrics. Do you notice any differences between 1 Starbucks and another?

Report your findings as a a comment.

Thank you.

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in trouble, again

Posted on August 15, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i seem to be not getting away with things the way i once did. like things that would go by unnoticed are now starting to get noticed. a speeding ticket in Oglesby Illinois that I forgot to pay 2 weeks ago has led to the warrant for my arrest that arrived in the mail today. it’s so strange, being under arrest. far less oppressive than not being under arrest, wouldn’t you agree? i guess you could say i am a fugitive.

and then at work, i had neglected to read these emails from the state accreditation consortium with a report for me to complete–including the final warning notification that this was mandatory… and that it was past due. Actually, they used the word “survey” instead of “report.” So I thought it was more of a marketing thing. Until the very last page of the survey which asked for financial data. my predecessor at this job left no financial/budget records of any kind. And since I was working the night shift, there was no one around to ask if such figures existed. So I sort of guesstimated on the numbers, not quite fabricating them because fabricating implies something intentional, doesn’t it?

But I absolutely could not delay in submitting this report, with the hope that, that since the school that employs me is so tiny, the budget so miniscule, no one would really notice. but they did notice. my report was “flagged” and we/i must now endure a site visit from the state consortium and a possible loss of accreditation. so, i ask you, how do i worm my way out of this situation? Now might be the time to move to New Zealand.

and this was the very same day i learned that all of these competent people at work had been laid-off. i was strangely sad that i was not be among them (see yesterday’s post), but i guess i’ve been granted a second chance. with fortune on my side, hopefully i’ll be able to evacuate on my own terms before any of this materializes. maybe to California, maybe to New York, maybe to DC, maybe to Pittsburgh. maybe that secret bunker under my bed.

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blur

Posted on August 14, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

a blur of a day that i can scarcely remember, except for finding one really great parking spot. one of the best in years and years. i hope they will let me stay there, even just for the night.

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black friday

Posted on August 13, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

massive layoffs at work last Friday, that i just learned of today. i’m not quite sure how i survived, considering i’ve only worked there a few months and the people who were fired had worked there considerably longer and actually liked their jobs and, I think, their employer. they are dedicated.

And I, who would be happy to be fired (assuming i had an immediate safe landing elsewhere), somehow survived “black friday.” and it’s strange to suddenly have survivor’s guilt. i wanted to run up to the offices of “senior management” and plead with them, “Please, spare them! Take me!! You’re firing the wrong people!!!” But I don’t know how far that would get me.

and truly, if i were fired tomorrow, i’d be in deep deep trouble. maybe i live for trouble. my it’s my modus operandi. i fantasize that if this one door would close, so many others would open. and all i need is that one door.

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today’s piano teacher

Posted on August 12, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i had a very lengthy piano lesson today with a man who told me within the first 5 minutes of meeting him that he often felt lonely. but when he read or heard about people who faced far more difficult situations, he felt appreciative. he talked a lot during the lesson. an awful lot. he talked about The 3 Stooges, not because he thought they were particularly funny, but he liked the simplicities of the stories in each episode.

he also told me he likes to watch the Andy Griffith Show. Especially because there was an episode or series of episodes or an entire season where Opie was required to practice piano for 2 hours each day.

my lesson lasted at least 30 minutes later than i would have liked because he wanted to know so many things about me. but i was really running late. i really was. and just as I was walking out the door, he asked me if I had ever read Aristotle’s Poetics. I think I read this, or was assigned to read it in high school. he talked for another few minutes about Aristotle and the masks for comedy and tragedy.

then he asked me if i could tell him my thoughts about the differences between comedy and tragedy. i asked him if he would mind if we talked about this next week because i really was running late. and i really was running very late. and then he apologized.

and that was how we left things.

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in my shoes

Posted on August 11, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

before i knew it, i was in mid-downward flight to the carpet outside the men’s locker room at the gym. i had to break the fall with my elbows and wrists. And I had to look up, disgraced, as onlookers witnessed my inexplicable stumble, tripping over something undetectable. They asked if I was OK. I said I was OK… and it must have been the shoes. i had never worn those shoes before. And I wasn’t used to the treads, which created an imbalance in my gait and a sudden loss of gravity. The onlookers didn’t seem to get it, and asked again if i was sure i was OK. I don’t think they knew what to make of the new shoes story.

But the shoes really were new, and this wasn’t the first time i had tripped over flat smooth surfaces wearing them. i guess i really am still learning how to walk in them. but it’s difficult for other people to understand because they are not in your shoes. I said, if only you could live in my shoes, it would all make sense. knowing full well that if everybody lived in my shoes, it would lead to one calamity after another.

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mass

Posted on August 10, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

it’s becoming a bad habit. every Friday night after work i wander off to some classical concert, indoors or outdoors, and each concert always seems to feature a mass. And i get all excited, thinking… this will be so cool. there will be like 10,000 singers and i will be swept up (raptured?) into this massive wave of glorious sound. but the very moment the mass begins, it hits me .. uh-oh, i think i know what’s coming next. it’s usually something along the lines of

Kyrie – Chorus and S Solo
Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Gloria – Chor
Gloria in excelsis Deo,
Et in terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis.
Laudamus te, benedicimus te,
Adoramus te, glorificamus te.
Gratias agimus tibi propter magnam gloriam tuam.
Domine Deus, Rex coelestis,
Deus Pater omnipotens.
Domine Fili unigenite, Jesu Christe.
Domine Deus, Agnus Dei, Filius Patris.
Qui tollis peccata mundi,
Miserere nobis.
Qui tollis peccata mundi,
[Suscipe deprecationem nostram.
Qui sedes ad dexteram Patris,
miserere nobis.]
Quoniam tu solus sanctus, tu solus Dominus,
Tu solus altissimus, [Jesu Christe.]
Cum Sancto Spiritu in gloria Dei Patris,
Amen.

Gloria – Chorus
Glory to God in the highest,
And peace on earth to men of good will.
We praise You, we bless You,
We worship You, we glorify You.
We give You thanks for Your great glory.
Lord God, King of Heaven,
God the Father Almighty.
Lord only-begotten Son, Jesus Christ.
Lord God, Lamb of God, Son of the Father.
You who take away the sin of the world,
Have mercy on us.
You who take away the sin of the world,
[Hear our prayer.
You who sit at the right hand of the Father,
have mercy on us.]
For You alone are holy, You alone are Lord,
You alone are the Most High, [Jesus Christ.]
With the Holy Spirit in the glory of God the Father, Amen.

For over an hour. Sometimes an hour and a half. Almost non-stop.

And it gets very frustrating because i am never swept up by anything and my mind goes everywhere but the stage, be it indoor or outdoor, i just tune it out, almost instantly. it doesn’t matter if it’s Beethoven Missa Solemnis or Schubert’s Mass in G Major. i’ve been to both and i honestly could not distinguish one from the other. Which is so strange because choral music can be so beautiful and it is possible to be swept away, but not when 10,000 singers are singing the exact same words at the same time. maybe if they sung different words. that might be helpful to me.

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screened

Posted on August 9, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

another extremely clumsy job interview today. i am not sure exactly what took hold of me, but this voice, foreign to my comprehension, was speaking through my body.

the interview was with this recruiting firm for nonprofit organizations. i applied for a job they listed on their Facebook page over a month ago, and i was invited in for a screening interview today. i was interviewed by 2 people, one who did all of the talking, the other who did all of the blank staring, into my soul.

the talking one asked me how my day was going. i tried to say that i was tired after a extremely dull workday at my current place of employment which i loathe. but the foreign voice pushed its way forward, uttering something about the weather, how nice it was, which would have been fine had it not added, i just wish it were warmer. which could not have been further from the truth. the talking one replied, ”you wish it were warmer?” Both of them glanced at each other and exchanged a silent communication. at that moment, i knew it was over.

but it plodded along for another 20 minutes before they politely informed me that the position which i had actually applied for had been filled weeks ago. the foreign voice held me back and restrained me from asking, “so why did you call me in here? were you angry at me for something i was not aware of?  is this your form of retaliation? is that what this is about?”

instead, the foreign voice took the initiative to ask if they had any advice for me on skills i might acquire that would make me more qualified for such jobs in the future.

all 3 of us in the room were aghast at the foreign voice. i think one of us said “say what??” it was the most ingratiating voice any of us had ever heard. and nullifying, too. i’m glad that it’s not here at this moment to keep me from writing about it. and i hope it never comes back.

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$1295 / 2br – Great deal on this spacious 2 bed in Prime East Lakeview! (Chicago – Lakeview)

Posted on August 7, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

finally, the drought has ended. the smiling and laughing drought. 2 days in a row.

the first was yesterday, playing music with some friends, one of whom handed me some sort of lap steel guitar. we played “Moon River” and it was easy to accompany because it’s one of those instruments that just sounds so cool, it’s impossible to play the wrong note.

the second was today when i was chatting with my friend in DC. I showed her this posting for an awful looking apartment on craigslist that she described as decorated in American Clinical Depression style. That made me laugh. I’m sure by the time you read this, the link will have expired, but I’ll give it a try.

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/apa/3986897600.html

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assertiveness training

Posted on August 7, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

lately i keep encountering situations–at work, at places that are not at work–where people are telling me i need to be more assertive in how i communicate. and this makes me angry because i don’t feel as if i am being listened to or understood by these people. but the only way for me to deal with them is to either ignore them… or I can assert myself in telling them i can assert myself, just fine, thank you. and if they are not pleased with that level of assertiveness, i think that is just their way of telling me they are disappointed i am not somebody else.

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special relationship

Posted on August 5, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

i was asked by this performance/live art collective to respond to a weekly series of prompts as part of a dialog between American and British artists that will culminate in a 12 hour event in november.

this week’s prompt:

Using the “Special Relationship” between the UK and the USA as a startMing point. Create a fictitious discussion/debate/lecture event between two public figures (actual or fictitious, living or dead) – one British, one American ( e.g, Benjamin Disraeli and Madonna, PJ Harvey and Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Woolf and Lenny Bruce, Michael McIntyre and Agnes Martin).

i tried out all of these different ways to respond, none of which really worked, including the one below, which i ended up submitting because i was already past deadline.

Excerpt from the docu-drama, “A Special Relationship” (2013)

Bush               Hi

Blair                 Hello

Bush               I didn’t think you’d still be here.

Blair                 I’m still here. Where else could I go?

Bush               I don’t know. I thought you may have gone to Wisconsin for the weekend?

Blair                 Wisconsin? What the hell is that? Is that like a place? An actual place?

(pause)

Bush               What happens to people like us who have nowhere to go?

Blair                 I guess we wear out our welcome. But people are too polite to say anything.

(pause)

Blair                 Fewer pleasantries would make the world a lot easier for both of us.

Bush               I’m sorry that you feel that way. I feel somewhat responsible for that.

Blair                 Life is never what you think it will be until you’re almost finished with it.

Bush               What time is that supposed to happen?

Blair                 In about 20 minutes. At tea-time, of course.

Bush               I should know this. I think I watch too much television, but never live television.

Blair                 Me neither. Why should we?

Bush               I can’t even watch the news.

Blair                 I hate the news. I know nothing about what is going on in this world. And I am happy about that.

Bush               Me, too. At dinner, my friends were all talking about some revolution going on in Tunisia, and I was this close to admitting that I had no idea what they were talking about.

Blair                 I understand. I like being lost.

Bush               Me, too… I like living on a cloud. In a cloud.

Blair                 Yes. I like the world I have created. Alone. No interruptions from the bloody news.

Bush               I’m sorry I even mentioned the news.

Blair                 Yes, let’s never mention the news ever again.

Bush               Sounds good.

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a night without conversation…

Posted on August 4, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

Whole Foods Parking Aug 3 2013

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fewer pineapples

Posted on August 3, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

it’s oh so tempting to delete yesterday’s post, but i don’t think i am allowed to do that here. technically, i am allowed, but morally, ethically, i cannot give myself permission to delete. one can’t go out and about in the world, deleting everything in sight that one questions or finds uncomfortable, can one?

i found this almost perfect apartment tonight on my new favorite street downtown. in this old building that used to be a printing house, on printer’s row, which might be one of Chicago’s most magical neighborhoods. maybe because it does not feel like Chicago at all. Which for me would be a breath of fresh air. A sanctuary from the stale air. if only the air in this apartment was not ridden with dust mites. the downside.

so i’ve been trying to figure out what costs I can cut out of my life to be able to afford to live there. some things are obvious. do i really need a landline? do i really need to drive so much? do i even need to pay for public transportation since the apartment is only a 15 minute walk from work? do i really need to pay someone to cut my hair? do i really need hair? and the therapist who makes me feel miserable. that would be a huge saving in every possible respect, far beyond it’s financial implications. i would take joy in cutting her. i feel lighter just thinking about it.

i could cut out my travel expenses which lately have consisted of long drives to various states in the midwest. so there isn’t a lot i can cut there, but just imagine if i had no travel expenses whatsoever. if i simply did not go out anywhere, ever. that could be a cost-saver. i would not have to spend money on dog food, dog treats, dog toys or a vet because i would not be able to support a dog. unless the dog could generate some revenue. i don’t know how that could happen.

and maybe i could eat out less. or at least eat in smaller portions. fewer pineapples. and maybe as a general rule, I could keep a less healthy diet, which is kind of an extravagance in this country.

not spend money on coffee which is bad for my voice. what else? well, i guess an internet connection is a necessity. that’s unfortunate. i don’t buy a lot of new or used clothes, so there’s not much to cut there. um…. gosh this is hard. i could cancel my gym membership, but i need that as much as an internet connection.

gosh, i must sound so petty bourgeois and western. it’s true. i can’t get away from that.

maybe i do need to get away from that. maybe that’s the entire argument for why i should take this apartment.

oh one more thing. i could do a better job at befriending people who are wealthier than me and who would consider it an honor to pay for things i need and things i do not need but like to do. someone to take care of me who asks for nothing in return. i guess such a person might be called a patron.

how do you find a patron? maybe someone who manages a hedge fund. maybe i should try to learn what a hedge fund manager actually does.  maybe i should figure all of this out before committing to a one-year lease.

something to consider.

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the ideal

Posted on August 2, 2013 by The Lost Pedestrian

hour and hours obsessing over that elusive ideal apartment in this town. will i never be satisfied? that’s the question? compounded by my desire to live in a totally different region of the country. i guess my hopes of getting this settled soon are diminishing. And I am utterly burntout on craigslist.

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