there are days in new york that have a natural flow of time and space and energy. you can just wing it and the current always takes you somewhere where you’d like to be, even places you never considered being.

and then there are days like today where the vastness is overwhelming. where winging it is exactly the wrong thing to do. i spent countless hours today trying to figure out where to go next… glued to my iPhone, in place of a spirit guide. and it would send me to intriguing sounding places that drew rave reviews, only to discover that they had gone out of  business years ago.. and the reviews were actually from the 1990’s. this happened at least 3 times today. 

so i wandered elsewhere. completing losing sight of whether i was on the east side or the west side. whether i was in harlem or morningside heights, wherever that is. completely forgetting how low my blood sugar was running. but somehow wanting to take in all of it, not just some of it.

and that is not always the healthiest way to go about being in new york. this is not a place to have an insatiable appetite. because there will always be someplace where one is not.

so far it feels harder to be a shy person in new york than in previous years. this perplexes me. but then i realize that since I arrived here last night, i have mainly been in social situations with people i do not know. i mean, it’s actually great. this lifting of habit. these little awakenings. but i cannot easily shed self-consciousness. and i wish i could because then everything would be so much easier.

it was most noticeable today at the movie theater with my new friend (friend of my old friend), J. i was trying to make my way to my seat in the middle of the row and this person was blocking the way while talking to her friend. And when she saw me trying to get through, she apologized, and I said, it’s ok. And then, as we were exiting the theater after the movie, we waved goodbye. those simple exchanges, these shared experiences that are part of the fabric here are so rare in the city where i dwell.

so if one must be shy, maybe i am in the right place for that.

in brooklyn now, trying to figure out what to do with these cats i am responsible for tending over while my hosts are out of town. one of the cats, Bamboo, keeps rubbing up against the door that leads to the backyard. but i don’t think i’m supposed to let him outside. that’s actually why i’m writing at this moment. to distract myself from exercising poor judgement. this has nothing to do with writing. and i know so very little about cats. but i still need to remind myself that they are not dogs.

i’m not sure if i am supposed to be here now. at the risk of possibly offending 2 of my readers (who happen to be nieces), i kind of had to get away from my family… not away from them as people. bur away from holiday psycho-dramatics/dynamics. i think they will understand. i think they will appreciate my decision to not regress,  as tends to happen around these days.

but i always love coming to New York, so there’s that, too. i just hope that the timing is right–i’ve been under the weather of later and this makes me worried that i will not be as lively or entertaining a visitor or guest. i know it’s kind of ridiculous. i am here to challenge those thoughts. that’s why i’m here.

I spent the afternoon with my friend D. It seemed as if she had beaten breast cancer a few years ago, but just learned that it has spread to her bones, and the doctors have called it “incurable.” When I received the news, via an email from a mutual friend, while riding the train home from work, my heart sank as low as it could sink.

This was the first time I had seen/spoken to her and I felt very fortunate that she had asked me to accompany and drive her to a couple of art openings because her pain meds make it difficult to drive. I had so many questions to ask her… some of which I asked, others of which I was afraid to ask because it was too terrible to contemplate. I guess you could say I was protecting myself, almost as much as I wanted to protect her. I am not sure how I would handle it if I were in her situation.

I can take comfort and inspiration in her will to live, which is strong and resolute. I cling to the hope that treatment can slow it down or even restore some of what she has lost in her bone mass. I cling to the word–restore. I know it can happen.

lately, people in public spaces have gotten so friendly here in my neighborhood. i’m not quite sure why this is. i’ve thought it might have something to do with the polar temperatures of late. somehow it feels like people can be less guarded, less polarized, and more open, less stifled with each other when they’re frozen. there’s more air around you, more open space, even if that space is a tundra.

or maybe it’s just me. or my awareness. yesterday, on the crowded train, when a seat opened up. this person standing next to me kindly offered me the seat and when i responded by offering it to her, she seemed almost shocked. which almost shocked me. another layer of shared experience. i was happy to see her sitting there, reading, for the duration of my 20 minute ride. as if i had just given something to someone… who accepted it. it was comforting.

and more and more people are engaging me in conversations in elevators. workers at my local grocery store seem happy to see me and pat me on the back as i walk by. everybody seems to be holding doors open for me, even if i am holding  doors open for them. nobody seems to mind if you admire their hats. although my hat makes me a little self-conscious.

something feels different, but i’m not sure what that is. it might be the dawn of a new age. or it might just be that my eyes are more open.

i’m not sure what is going on these days. but i’m kind of in a slump. and i’m not sure how to work through it. i don’t know if writing about it is the answer. maybe it’s the holidays. maybe all of the psyche contortions i perform to make it through the workday…. maybe it’s all adding up and taking its toll upon my soul. there’s been all of these minor disappointments outside of work, too, which i take full responsibility for instigating. and then all of the effort that goes into detaching myself from disappointment. that will sap anyone’s soul.

no wonder i feel so cold and barren and numb and passionless. it’s kind of freaking me out. if anyone is reading this can offer me any guidance for how to get through this, i am at a complete loss and would be immensely appreciative.