i think i’m sort of in trouble (again). at least since the summer, i have under-performed at my job, in the mindset that i would be gone from there by the year’s end… and no one has really noticed.

but my plans haven’t quite unfolded as i envisioned. and i am still there… and now people are starting to notice, and they’re starting to ask questions about things i’ve neglected. not communicating is one thing, and lying is another… and i’m much better at not communicating than i am at being deceitful. even if i expended all of my energies into being deceitful, i still would not be very good at it.

so suddenly there’s this little avalanche of responsibilities that i had hoped against all hopes i would be able to avoid until my departure. lots of things not organized that i was supposed to organize, that nobody noticed until now. or now that i’ve been there nearly a year, it’s harder for me to plead ignorance.

it’s kind of looking that i will still be there for my one-year performance review. and i will probably be asked why i did not take the assertiveness training class that they expected me to take and to have completed 2 months ago.

and still being there means that i must do a performance review for the one person i am responsible for supervising. which i had especially hoped to avoid since it’s a bit awkward for me to review the performance of someone who has been there far longer than i….someone who is actually invested in the place… the very person who had applied for my job when it was open, who then had to go through the indignity of training me. and i now i have to review her performance??? my shoulders are tightening up just thinking about it.

and these performance reviews are such bullshit. you are not allowed to give someone a perfect “grade.” HR requires you to find at least one thing to criticize about somebody’s performance. all i really want to do is to just get through the workday, free of any friction or conflict… and these performance reviews have a way of doing just that. plus, we are greatly underpaid… the worst thing imaginable would be for me to undermine somebody’s capacity to make a living wage. i could not live with myself.

so i sort of did a preemptive strike with my staff person. i told her that i would be giving her the best review i could possibly give, but that HR would be requiring me to say something critical even though i think she is great (not exactly accurate)… but not to take anything personally or seriously. i probably should have just asked her to write it for me

in any case, i am gradually learning that it might not be the wisest idea to perform at a job as if you’ve already given your 2 weeks notice until you actually have given your 2 weeks notice. otherwise, things can get a bit dicey.