mortality has lately been a great incumbrance of late. i partially blame this upon my job, not because of the job, but because of the benefits. specifically, life insurance. i really did not pay much attention to it until that part of the application form where i had to list my beneficiaries. and since one of my beneficiaries may possibly not outlive me, i been flung into despondence. and then this week, learning of a friend’s “incurable” illness. and she is facing it with a far better attitude than i, from what i can tell. people amaze me with their courage.
but i have lost all sense of time. i don’t know how July became December, how 2000 became 2014 or whatever year it is. i’ve lost track. time terrifies me because i am not making much use of it. 14 years feel like a week, and then i recall that i am only about 10 years younger than my father’s age when he passed away. 10 years is not even a fractal. and i can’t make any decisions about even the simplest of things because everything feels equally urgent. everything. changing a light bulb. writing a grant proposal. going to a movie, meeting someone like you for dinner. it’s impossible to prioritize or accomplish very much. not as much as i have always envisioned.
when people tell me to follow my instincts, i feel clueless. all i sense is fleetingness. but for the people i most admire, fleetingness is a kind of liberation. i have to get myself in that mindset. or maybe it’s just a simple matter of becoming selfless.
each time i look at the clock these days, it’s always 11:11 pm. which is earlier than i thought. i think it’s just a matter of staying awake long enough for happy accidents to occur. maybe that explains my insomniac ways.