The Lost Pedestrian

this friend i had very very briefly, very briefly dated, like maybe once, but we became better friends, casually mentioned her “new boyfriend,” completely out of context, before we ended our phone conversation.

then a few minutes later she called me to back to apologize for speaking of the new boyfriend so matter-of-factly, without warning, not taking into account how I might feel. But then she added that she was surprised that i did respond or ask questions.

i told her i was a bit surprised, but considering that we dated like maybe once, i don’t know, 5 years ago, and that we didn’t even live in the same country, it made perfect sense to me that she would have found someone. She agreed.

I told her I was actually relieved to hear that she was no longer alone, because, i said, no one should be alone. i mean, no one who does not want or choose to be alone should be alone.

And then there was a long pause, which was broken by her weeping. She was quite moved by what i had said. But it’s true. no one should be alone. That was the first time she had heard anyone say it.

Moments later I thought… finally. i have said the right thing to the right person at the right moment. it took a while. but i finally did it.

waiting. still waiting. actually not very still waiting. i wish i knew what will happen next. everything is so unsettled and up in the air. i am so used to uncertainty, although i’ve never gotten comfortable with it, but this time around, i’ve invested more hopes in the manifestation of a different narrative.

A few years ago, following a vocal cord surgery, I was not allowed to speak for 2 weeks. Fortunately my friend C was kind enough to meet me at café, and patient enough to collaborate with me in typing out our conversation on my laptop. I can’t remember which of us wrote what, but it felt important that at least one of us could say what is transcribed here: 

Lost Pedestrian, do you believe it’s possible to physically teleport yourself through meditation or other psychic technique?

I think some people might be able to do it… I assumed that is how you got here today

No actually I rode my bike.. I wish I could have though. Maybe one can train to attain this ability? Do you think this is possible?

I am not really sure, but I believe people who believe they have experienced this. I had a room-mate in college who would go off on TM retreats and come back with stories of learning to levitate, or I’m not sure what the word for this is… he could think of something, say an ice cream cone, and make it materialize. I’m not kidding. In Iowa City.

I believe it. Could you eat the ice cream cone? Was it real? That’s like jesus Christ making food for thousands of people out of a few fi

I can’t remember if it was actually physically edibly there, but I know he wasn’t the kind to lie or make up stories. I believe that he was able to reach some sort of state that was real for him in that way

I believe it totally, sure.   Desire is the creator

…

that’s a beautiful 4 word sentence

thanks but I think I read it somewhere. have you ever read be here now by ram dass?

no, but I might be the only 1 who hasn’t

Oh, I didn’t know it was that popular

it used to be. Before

“before”

yes, before…

have you read it?

Yes

Be fore, Lost Pedestrian

Be   Fore

Yes its strange to have memories of things that happened before

Is it all in your head?

Where are the memories?

Is it another plane where everything is happening at the same time?

But every person remembers an event differently subjectively

So are there infinite billions of universes around us all the time

You ask some of the best questions. I can only speak for me… last night I went to a movie and then the night before a play and with each of them I kept disappearing and missing entire pieces or dialog or scenes and I’m not sure where I went. I just wasn’t quite in the present. But I don’t know if where I went was another universe.

Isn’t is so strange how that happens? Sometimes I will walk places and suddenly I am there.  speaking of being in the present and following the Tolstoy theme from last time we talked I went into Chicago comics and there was a storybook based on a short story by Tolstoy and it really changed my life. Really my life has been changed since we last talked I will email the story to you or something its about being in the present.

That sounds a mazing… a short story that could change your life… in a comic store…

Yeah thanks for bringing the Tolstoy book last time, I was really impressed by the two lines I read from it. By the way I read that the first impression you have when you first look at a person, in the first 3 seconds all the subconscious/conscious data you process in your brain, is a pretty much accurate understanding of the person even if you’ve known them longer… do you think this is true/false?

• First of all when it’s about male female relationships I feel like it takes the topic of assumptions/instincts to a whole other level even if it is friendship, you had a past relationship, etcetc, I hope this makes sense
• Secondly yes it happens I don’t enjoy it when my negative thoughts/presumptions taint the relationship.. I don’t know if taint is a good word to use, but it takes away from good potential sometimes for me and that’s disappointing
• Oh thirdly I had nothing but good vibes for you from you when we first met too

Maybe our tentative idealistic goal for the month should be to honestly ask people about our insecurities when they come up but I know this is probably impossible in 90% of situations.

I have a terrible story… do you want to hear it… I had sort of an “opening” for a new aquarium (like maybe around the time I was in art school) … it was a 2^nd aquarium…. With goldfish… anyway, someone at the party stretched back like this, but much faster and harder, his elbow crashing into the goldfish aquarium cracking it, and there where goldfish everywhere on the floor. But I quickly gathered them into a plastic something.

I did a performance once with my friend D (another Greek) and all I remember about it is that we were passing a basketball to each other and we had a goldfish in a bowl on a pedestal, with a microphone next to it. And we had a monolog of some sort on pre-recorded tape… thus creating the illusion that the goldfish was narrator.

and then I received another message from that dating site I am on, but only as a very passive subscriber waiting for someone with whom I might have an affinity to miraculously emerge and discover me, which i guess is not how it’s done. the message was from “loveesee,” who apparently lives in Miami

Hello,i was actually looking for an old friend,but i found that it is not you but i don”t know if you related to anyone called Brad?Let me know if i av not email the wrong person thanks.

Today was The Feast of Remembrance. and tomorrow is The Feast of Forgetfulness. this year I am celebrating them both. thus i have spoken. thus i make it so. This the time when my petty grievances will turn to dust. they say that the dust is the only place where one can emerge and begin a new. but i would be very very happy if i never returned there again, to that dust. there are other cycles in other lands i have yet to trespass. But this time I will. I have no other choice, as long as i remember to forget.

i’ve looked at my writing over the month or so of posts, and this has all been forced writing, squeezed out of a block of cement.   because i hear that not writing can be unhealthy. but i look at this writing and i just wish i could erase most of it. i hope you have not read it.  but i can’t erase it. because the writing hasn’t felt like writing, but more like searching. searching for something old, new, forgotten or unrealized, unactualized, unanticipated, unintended. it has to go somewhere. that’s what this box is for.

i also feel like writing at this particular moment because I had a very relaxing day. the best day a person can have after a biopsy. imagine the weight off my shoulders.  before they released me from the hospital, they asked me if i had any questions. and I honestly could not think of anything to ask. then afterwards, at brunch with J, it occurred to me that i had neglected to ask when they would get the results. somehow that escaped my mind. i guess i was distracted by the sky and strawberry rhubarb pie.

someone just sent me a text message:

stay in the present

to which i replied

why must the present always be so elusive?

and then she texted back:

do you ever wonder if is you who are eluding the present?

even when i am elusive, i am not THAT good at eluding.

i think you under-estimate yourself.

i was not sure how to respond.

ten minutes went by before i heard from her again:

what are you thinking about?

Time.

what are you thinking about time?

How time is so elusive.

(sigh)

It is, isn’t it?

that’s where you and i are different. you say the present is so elusive and that time is so elusive. but i wonder if you ever ask yourself if you are not the one who is so elusive. and then you project your elusiveness onto everything else.

(sigh)

i didn’t mean to make you sigh.

i wasn’t really sighing. i was simply typing “(sigh)”

oh good. “sigh.” i wonder if there’s a sigh emoticon.

yeah, there if there isn’t, there should be.

for just these occasions.

that would be perfect.

maybe you and i are not that different after all.

only time will tell.

i hope you are kidding.

i think i might be.

it’s always hard to tell.

for you and me both.

is it just me, or were the trains more rickety than usual today?

yeah, they’ve been rickety since the lunar eclipse.

I can’t believe I haven’t noticed until now. i’m usually pretty sensitive to these things.

I know. I’ve always been  amazed by how many things you notice. I can only think of 3 things you always fail to notice.  but i would not consider any of them to be a failure.

can you remind me again what they are?

space

time

and motion.

that’s all?

oh year, there’s one more… matter.

I’m trying to think of things to do while i’m waiting to hear from you:

• fast
• swim
• set sail
• go forth
• unwind
• take stock
• return stock
• try not forecast
• try not to read too much into anything
• get through a biopsy
• hydrate, hydrate, always hydrate
• pretend to be less visible, less microscopic
• and one or two other diversionary tactics

I was hanging out with my friend L today, drinking tea outdoors on Southport Avenue. We were having this wonderful fluid conversation, with occasional non-disruptive disruptions.

She would say, “You should look behind you. That dog is amazing.”

A few minutes later, she would say, “You should look behind you. There’s this couple walking together, and one of them has a broken arm. And the other has a broken leg.”

And I thought, how wonderful and remarkable it must be to be so present and so observant and alive. I would have totally missed those things on my own.