i’m in huge trouble. you might say, a world of trouble. although i’ve been feeling that it might be time to accept that i don’t have another performance in me, i submitted a proposal to stage a performance at a “fringe” theater festival in February. i was also convinced that i would be relocating across the country before the festival took place. 2 really great reasons to not do a performance.

but I thought, ok, just as a backup plan. just in case. just in case I am still here, and just in case while I am still here, i feel an urge to create a performance…  just to be on the safe side, maybe I should write a proposal. But I could not really imagine actually doing it.

So far things are not unfolding as i would have hoped. i am still here. so far at least, the bright hopes i had for the job offer on the east coast feel dimmer. the theater festival jury accepted my proposal. and… and I still don’t have a performance in me.

that’s not an admission of failure or surrender, as much as an acknowledgement that i am getting more satisfaction from my video work, and writing here and there, and making progress on learning Turkey In the Straw on piano.

Last night I observed myself from the outside while practicing piano. And I thought that this is not exactly how i thought things would turn out for me. past midway through my life’s journey, practicing Turkey in the Straw in an empty apartment on a Saturday night. this was not the life i intended. not the life i imagined when i was 6. I don’t think anybody could have predicted that. not in any of our wildest imaginations.

so today, i vowed to change all of that. although i have no idea where to begin.