Author Archives: The Lost Pedestrian

Today was a retina surgery kind of day. An interocular lens replacement kind of day. It was quite an ordeal. The anesthesiologist somehow managed not to anesthetize me and I was awake for the entire procedure which was supposed to … Continue reading →

I may have accidentally outlived my body’s usefulness. And now I’m not quite what to do next, other than to pretend that it never happened.

If I had a way to count the number of barbecues I have missed this summer, I am not sure if I would use it. They would be innumerable. Insurmountable. And I am not sure why I would even attempt … Continue reading →

I’m exhausted. Exhausted by all of the nothing that is happening. So much nothing. It’s endless. This nothingness. I am at a loss for words to describe all of this negative space I occupy. The only thing that feels different … Continue reading →

I’ve been coasting all day. Avoiding anything remotely uncomfortable or decisive. But I guess avoidance leads to numbness which leads discomfort about numbness and uncertainty about how it will end, except in a sentence such as this one. I have … Continue reading →

I don’t understand why dusk goes by so quickly these days. I am dusk-deprived. What else don’t I understand? Why am I always 32 years late for everything? It doesn’t seem fair. It’s not fair that i am the oldest … Continue reading →

I am trying my best to distract myself from the fear that the world is closing in on me. But then when I turn away from that fear to look at the world outside of me, another fear emerges that … Continue reading →

In my dream early this morning, I had an appointment with my hepatologist to discuss the results of my MRI. She said that they found something wrong with my pituitary gland and that things would begin to deteriorate in the … Continue reading →

A friend who has always struggled to find work came up with a brilliant idea to support herself, or semi-support herself. She is going to be a professional listener. I was not aware there was such a thing, but apparently … Continue reading →

I can’t believe the heat that I am sitting in. All of these people wandering in the heat with their beer cans and bottles, without masks. How foreign they seem to me. It makes me want to grab a beer … Continue reading →

Falling asleep has gotten more difficult lately. I’m not quite sure why. My body gets more restless as the hours pass by. Like there is some sort of vibrating coil deep within. Drugs can sometimes tame it. Sex would be … Continue reading →

Today was a continuation of nothing. Or it’s all one nothing that we break up into fragments of time that are much more graspable to our comprehension. By ‘we,’ I am referring to me. I graduated from crutches to cane. … Continue reading →

When was the last time you felt something? I feel fear and guilt just about all of the time. OK, when was the last time you felt something other than fear and guilt? Hmmmmmm Would you like more time to … Continue reading →

I don’t know how it happened this way. Why it happened this way. But I managed to live a life without really living it. And now it’s almost over. Maybe it’s just my pandemic mindset. But I have lived so … Continue reading →