my life as a car

Posted on September 22, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

it’s been a really hard past couple of weeks. the kind of weeks where i wonder what i could be doing wrong. why is fate and fortune turning against me? there must be some detail i am missing. some wrong turn. something i am not doing that i should be doing.

this sounds like a bad joke but it’s true. i was talking to my therapist about my recent diagnosis of cirrhosis of the liver and explaining that this is basically damage that might be controlled, but cannot be undone. she said that this was the equivalent of driving an old car. things wear down and they can only be replaced to a certain extent.

And then on my way home from her office, my car actually did break down. so now i really have to focus upon creating a life for myself that allows me to live longer than my car.

i’m trying not to be too freaked out about this, but i’m carrying this heavy lethargic sadness around. my passions are muted, my thoughts are easily lost, my typing is getting more atrocious.

must

fight

though

this

 

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Friday night phlebotomy

Posted on September 13, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

the investigations into my liver continue. tonight (after work) at the phlebotomy lab, the lab technician asked me the reasons for the blood test. I told him that there are concerns about the health of my liver.

He shook his head and asked, “so you drink a lot?”

I barely drink at all. One glass of wine and I am plastered. Actually, not even one glass.

“Did you used to drink?”

Not really. Not much.  I don’t even like being around people who are drinking, even in the same hemisphere.

He told me that he used to drink sometimes 10 beers a night, and it would feel fun, but then he would feel horrible the next day.

I said, “I understand. That’s why I almost never drink.”

Then he told me about how awful the AA meetings are, and that alone should be enough reason for people to avoid alcohol.

I said, “I understand.”

Then he asked, “So you didn’t like the AA meetings either?”

I didn’t know how to respond.

Was the blood test like some sort of lie detector test of my liver?

Was my liver living a secret life that I was too clueless or naive to know about?

 

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the new nodularities

Posted on September 11, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

doctors, doctor assistants, X-ray and MRI and ultrasound lab technicians seem to be finding a lot of nodules throughout my body these days. some are not worrisome, some should be monitored before they become worrisome, some are already worrisome.

Nodules in my liver. My lungs. My brain. What are they? Where do they come from? And what do they want from me? Is there anything I can learn from them? What will become of me? What will become of this blog?

Must i even be thinking these thoughts?  there are only so many nodules a single body can contain.

but it could all be nothing.

for tonight, i’ll just console myself and anyone concerned about me that nodules are only nodules. they come and go, just like any other fad or fashion. and i will be fine. Nodules and all.

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vice versa

Posted on September 10, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

what happens to people like me when we don’t hear from people like you?

we feel a thud whenever we check our inbox to find the message we guess you never sent. we like to think you wrote it, but forgot to send.

we notice the texts we sent in earnest 3 weeks ago seem to have found no response. we like to think that not all messages transmitted are received. and vice versa.

and voicemails from a thousand voices, except yours.

we somehow take this very, very personally.

but we know we shouldn’t. there’s a small part of us that knows that a life such as yours is sometimes only tenuously connected to a life such as ours.

but then we forget. and the cycle begins anew.

and then we remember again.

and then we forget to remember to forget.

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data entry

Posted on September 7, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

i have been bereft. bereft of ideas. i hope it’s an in-between phase. in between phases. but the in betweenness sometimes seems like all i know.

rarely is something what it seems than what it is.

but a friend, who I only met once, over a year ago at a funeral, just wrote me an encouraging note. she said if i could make a piece about listening to the radio while driving through a parking garage,  than i could make a piece about anything… which made me feel much calmer. anything is possible. unimaginable at the moment, but possible.

i just have to keep writing. even if it’s crap. it’s not my place to judge what is crap and what isn’t. just to keep writing is what’s most important. write until i don’t recognize the writer or the language or the context. write until the writing assumes a life of its own. because, as i think i’ve said recently, all i am is the transcriptionist. i just have to take that job more seriously.

i would be perfectly content to be the transcriptionist.  i have a romantic vision of data entry. i think that’s exactly what people do these days. we enter data only to exit it at some point. but there’s always new data to enter. but you can’t enter the new data until you exit the old.

 

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Proactive/Reactive

Posted on September 3, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

When I arrived at work this morning after the longish holiday weekend, I was immediately pulled aside by the dean who told me that I had to be more proactive. “What!!,” I said. He said, “It’s pretty clear. You just need to be more proactive.” I said, “I’d be happy to more proactive if you could tell me what the hell that word even means.” He seemed surprised. I asked if he meant proactive as the opposite of reactive. “That is correct,” he said.

I asked the dean if he would mind being more specific.  He raised his eyebrows, both of them. I said, “I really don’t believe there is any difference at all between proactive and reactive. Everything is always a reaction to something. So if one is proactive in one thing, it is simply a reaction to another thing. It’s the law of the universe. And it’s not my fault if people at this institution refuse to acknowledge that law.

The dean responded that this was completely irrelevant to what he was saying.

Finally, I said, “Just tell me how you want me to be, and I’ll be it.” And then I added to “I am being as proactive as I possibly can be. And if you expect someone who is more proactive, perhaps we should part ways.”

Perhaps I was being proactive after all …

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2.5 days

Posted on August 31, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

it wasn’t my intent for this to happen but i haven’t uttered a single word to anyone, going on 2-1/2 days. it’s really strange… these accidental hermetic days. or maybe i am trying to evoke or invoke Leonard Cohen.

If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will

Which would be fine were it not for my mind which is constantly chattering away. chattering on and on and on… an endless drone with no beginning and no end. and there’s nothing in the chatter that makes sense to me.

but i am slowly learning not to pay attention to it.

because therein lies the path to enlightenment.

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My GPS

Posted on August 29, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

I really have to figure out how to recalibrate my GPS because it doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere, and this has absolutely nothing to do with navigation. I use my GPS whenever I am protecting myself from disappointment or dashed hopes or discomfort of any kind–and I’m good at using it… and maybe even better at being used by it.

As soon as my sensor senses or anticipates sensing something potentially difficult to confront, something toxic or hazardous, or dangerous, or risky–a protective wall instantly goes up, and suddenly i have distance. And distance can be a good thing, if used with precision. but it probably has as much precision as a smart bomb.

the big problem with the wall is that it’s not very selective or discriminating in how it protects, what/who it is protecting or what/who it is protecting against. once that wall is up, nothing gets in and nothing gets out.

I don’t know how I came to be this way. I’ve wondered whether this might be considered as a syndrome  of some kind. a Generalized Protection Syndrome. a GPS.

Actually, now that I think about it, this GPS can only be calibrated and recalibrated to a very limited extent. At a certain point, it must be dismantled.

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anticipation

Posted on August 27, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

anticipate everything

expect nothing

 

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more Adult Piano Adventures

Posted on August 26, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

after a lengthy period of stagnation, i’ve returned to practicing piano.  i cannot say i am particularly fond of the songs in my music book “Adult Piano Adventures, Vol. 1.” “When the Saints Go Marching In” is like totally removed from anything I would ever ever aspire to play. The “African Melody” I tried to learn tonight sounds vaguely Anglo-fascistic. But somehow, I tell myself, all of this is ultimately good for my training, that something good will come of this. 

there actually is something good that might be happening. i think i am beginning to trust my left hand. this has never happened before. it’s always been so cautious and inhibited and self-conscious. but i’ve been letting my left hand loose a bit, letting it flail all over, giving it freer reign, and once in a while it happens to strike the right notes. and even when it strikes the wrong notes, i’ve become more patient and accepting. I guess “Adult Piano Adventures” is a form of couples therapy. 

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D in NJ

Posted on August 24, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

so my friend D calls me from New Jersey. and she’s telling about this guy who she met on okupid whose she been seeing for 4 months now, but it’s not going anywhere because he never wants to do anything. she always has to be the initiator. otherwise he stares at Facebook for hours on end. And this has been their relationships for months. except when they meet for a beer.

we spent a long time talking about the situation before D asked me, “so tell me what’s going on in your life? Anything new?” 

I told her that I had replaced my last unrequited infatuation with a new unrequited infatuation. which she must have seen as  hilarious because she laughed for a very long time, for at least 30 seconds, until finally saying, “I’m sorry. I know I should not be laughing.” 

And I said, “no, laugh! laugh! keep laughing as long like!” 

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importance

Posted on August 24, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

last night i went to a reading by a sort of a friend (or friend of a friend) who is on a book tour for her new autobiographical graphic novel. which i am now reading, and it’s sort of a weird experience because i’ve never read a novel with characters that based upon people i actually know.

there was a Q&A after the reading, and I raised my hand to ask if she confronted any kind of self-consciousness while she was writing. did she worry about how her friends who are characters would react to how they are portrayed or how they would react upon seeing words they confided in her now appearing in print (by a major publisher)? did she worry about hurting her mother?  

and i really liked her answer. she wasn’t worried about some people because she would never see them again and they had nothing to do with her life. but with her friends, she would email them sections of the book, and they would suggest changing a few things here and there. sort of rewriting her memories of them. so it really became this collaborative process. which i really appreciate. what a great way to develop characters who are not actually caricatures. 

because, as an anonymous blogger, this is something i really struggle with. and i like to think there will come a time while i am still on the planet that i will have the courage to claim authorship. and not think about how a person i am writing about will feel about what i write about them. without fear of repercussions. 

but then it’s all so narcissistic. because i am operating under the assumption that 

  1. everyone in my life will be reading. 
  2. they will actually remember what i write

it’s all so fleeting.

because when i do show my work in public these days and let my friends and acquaintances know about it, few, if any, actually attend, read or view. i don’t say that out of bitterness or hurt.

it’s just a reminder that not everything I feel is greatly important to me will be important to people who are important to me. but none of that means that i am unimportant to them. just in different ways. and there are all of these new people around and i have no idea who they are, and that’s kind of thrilling. fleeting and thrilling. maybe you are one of them. 

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loose lips sink ships

Posted on August 23, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

that phrase has been circling around my head for the past hour or so. and even though it’s not something i would necessarily agree with it, there’s something lyrical about the phrase. i wonder what i could do with a phrase like that in real life. 

or even 

  1. loose
  2. ships
  3. sink
  4. lips

or

  1. ships
  2. sink 
  3. lips 
  4. loose

as you can tell, i am passing the time to distract myself from a heart torn asunder. 

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new directions in dentistry

Posted on August 21, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

money the lack of money has become this odious encumbrance which is nothing really new. it just is louder these days. i fell in love with an amazing an apartment above what was once the top floor of a bakery. it had everything i could want in an urban apartment. windows, light, a garage with a roof desk, beautiful wood floors and door moldings and cabinetry, tall, tall ceilings, vast open space, dog-friendly, the best landlords one could imagine, an entire building to myself, lots of street noise. but once i added up my monthly expenses, dismay set in. the need to start somewhere anew is now more dire than ever. another season has passed and i am am sitting here where i was before, minus a baby tooth.

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transcription

Posted on August 21, 2014 by The Lost Pedestrian

just as I emerged from the subway onto the plaza, the church bells began playing “morning has broken” which led me to wonder what kind of day this would turn out to be. my faculties were not very sharp yet my longings were far from dull. i just kind of hung out in the schism waiting to see what, if anything, would happen next. i am still waiting. i can sense that good things are happening, even when terrible things are happening, although i have no sense of what they might be. it really is not my job to know these things. my job is to transcribe.

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