it turns out yesterday’s episode of paranoia may only have been paranoia. more like a case of reverse narcissism. but more on that for another blog post.
sometimes it just feels too dangerous to hope for things. so you get into the habit of not hoping. or of think that you are not aligned with the intentions of the universe. or that dark forces are at work.
but then when something you hoped for turns into something real… it’s really quite a jolt. like there have only been a few of these jolts in my life. and That is not a complaint. i just have this bad engrained habit of guarding myself against hopes. like there are too many times where i have been so enticed and excited by people, places, situations. kind of like a high, with a ungraceful landing. you know, an Icarus-type … that’s me. but really, regardless of the landing, the flight can sometimes be totally worth it.
i speak in abstractions, babbling to myself. tomorrow i will try to babble less internally.