lately i’ve been feeling really fatigued… a body/mind/spirit crushing fatigue, like all of the time. i try to stay alert, but i drift so easily into dreams. not even daydreams. but actual dreams that i see more clearly than the world around me…. which is not very convenient for a 350 mile drive, such as the one I took yesterday. i really had no business being behind the wheel. but i made it. my consciousness veered into so many places, so many images.

I saw a woman who had a parakeet’s beak instead of a nose. I saw a man whose head was a rolled piece of newspaper. i saw somebody i was infatuated with back in my early 20’s sitting across from me at a desk, and it seemed as if I was working for her, until her left foot rubbed up against my right leg. i saw myself on my first day of this potential new job being given a pop quiz to see if i actually knew things i claimed i knew in my job interview (which i actually do not know). i saw myself on the set of a Chinese movie that was actually a Roman coliseum.

fortunately the road from Des Moines to Chicago was a straight shot. it was impossible to veer off the road.

today the challenge is to resist my instincts to curl up into a fetal position under a warm blanket. fortunately there are no warm blankets where i work. so i have no choice but to resist.

i’m not sure what this is about. maybe it’s all about the decision. the decision to take on this new job in this new city, leaving everybody i am close to, everything i am familiar with behind. my whole infrastructure is rebelling. there’s a voice that cries out,

i

just

can

not

do

this

the challenge is to pay heed to or resist this voice. i can’t imagine really doing anything. unless forced.