i try my hardest, with every fiber of my body and soul to not talk about this, but it’s eating away inside me.

i don’t even know where or how to begin to describe my loathing of my job. so I will not describe it.

i can only describe what dread, hostility, anger, shame and more dread and stuckness. my job makes me feel unworthy and mediocre and it infuriates me.

i am so angry tonight and it’s so consuming to me that I cannot take much more of it. I don’t know if I can actually take any more of it.

but leaving just for the sake of leaving without having somewhere desirable to go, what is the point in that? I ask you.

I take comfort in Dylan, of course, who always has an answer for everything, or at least knows how to ask the right questions:

Well, I wish I was on some
Australian mountain range
Oh, I wish I was on some
Australian mountain range
I got no reason to be there, but I
Imagine it would be some kind of change

Some people will question me for making a change just for the sake of change. And they are right. But the things I am trying to move toward feel so elusive. lately feeling like my hopes and my dreams are slowly floating further away. how can I swim toward them?

i have been pining for New York, but it hasn’t reciprocated. what can I do to change that? Somehow I must find a way to not lose hope.

Thank you for listening. I am sorry I am not in a better mindset.

If anyone has any hope to offer, I am all ears.

About The Lost Pedestrian

In my wanderings throughout the moments/days/years, I try in earnest to find the mystical within the mundane and the mundane within the mystical, oftentimes confusing one from the other. I have wandered and roamed through many a city, many a town, in a state of wonder and bewilderment, without necessarily going anywhere. I am easily lost, but eventually found. (I am guessing you have just found me). My sincere hope is that you will find Something in this warehouse of thought, memory and false memory, words, numbers, tangents, murmurs, echoes (lots and lots of echoes), voices, dreams, and other paraphernalia.
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1 Response to fibers

  1. I have left jobs I hated before, just to leave. This April I left a four-month temp position downtown, only one month through it, because it was literally harming me. It was so, so awful. I was ignored, treated condescendingly (when not being ignored) and given pure mathematical data entry to do, day in and day out, 7.5 hrs a day. No human should have to get up in the morning to go to that kind of shittasticness.
    I was then mostly out of work for two months, which wasn’t good. But other times I’ve quit jobs and found things more quickly. Just apply like crazy. Don’t stop. Apply, apply, apply – but ONLY to things that sound good to you. No sense wasting your time on jobs that would be just as bad, despite the shiny newness to them. And life is short – so if your job is harming you, quit. Now.

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