For 2 days I have felt literally nothing. Completely devoid of passion or inspiration. What if this is it? What if I never experience pain or inspiration ever again? What do I do about that? I wish I knew. Even my numbing TV escapes from the void are overly numbing. There’s only so much numbness a person can take. I think I’ve maxed out.
Perhaps it’s the CBD. Well maybe not entirely. But perhaps if there were an actual high with the highless high I get on CBD that might change everything. But where can a person find THC in this town, especially when you don’t know anybody and you don’t have a medical marijuana card? It’s tempting to reach out to H who lives, breathes and vapes THC the whole day long but he and his wife (my boss) seem to be avoiding me. And I feel terrible about that because whatever the reason must be my fault. Entirely.
It’s something I never have been able to figure out. When people are extraordinarily generous with me, and I make an effort, at least a token effort to express my appreciation… such as treat them to dinner. And they refuse for whatever reason (such as knowing they are wealthier than). And I stop hearing from them. All of this makes me feel very deficient. Which is a fault.
That’s the risk. There always seems like a risk when I reach out to people. The gap between reaching out and eventually getting a response is terrifying. The waiting feels perilous. But maybe that’s a good thing because if I am feeling a sense of terror and foreboding, at least it is a sign that I am feeling something. And then I can feel like I at least made an effort to break out of numbness before I return to it, empty-handed.