So I’ve been doing a little experimenting with CBD oil. You know, tinctures, gummy bears, gummy frogs, lotions, vapes, bottled water, coffee, etc. I like to imagine it is giving me some kind of boost, but a different kind of boost, not the decimating fog of very potent THC.

But, you know, if I am feeling anything, it’s so subtle that I’m barely aware there is anything there. It’s not exactly a high in the ‘high’ sense of the word ‘high’. More like a high with a lack of high. That all too familiar feeling of lack. My life these days consists of searching for things to fill the lack.

But CBD high is not exactly lack either. And I’m not high on lack. So what is it? It’s not a low. And it’s not flat. Although there are no peaks or valleys. But it is kind of oily. And it does taste strange. Like burnt gravel.

But the high itself… the high i imagine when I am trying to find a new way to fill the lack… it feels like I am being transported somewhere. But there’s no real journey. It’s kind of like a journey from the bedroom to the kitchen. And back again. It could be perilous. There might be dangers everywhere, but usually not. What could a person learn on a journey such as this? Maybe a person learns that there is nothing left to learn.

I thought it would make me feel something, at least a faint trace of something I might eventually notice. Something so deep I may never have known was there. Or something I haven’t felt in years and years. Or maybe I only knew of people who had known this feeling was in them. Or knew of people who knew of people who once had this feeling. Or perhaps these people only appeared in dreams. Or maybe I’ve only read about them. They might be fictional, but the feeling is definitely real.

So where did that feeling go? Maybe it’s happening anyway. Maybe it’s happening without me. For all I know I am higher than a kite. Maybe the awareness of the high I am not feeling is so intense that it becomes its own kind of high.

Maybe the high and the lack are completely unrelated. It’s entirely coincidental that they emerge at the same time. All of the time.

Now the question is what to do about this. Do I keep vaping away until I feel something? Until I feel something a bit different,  something that isn’t so literal, a subtle shift? Or perhaps a gummy bear might a better choice than a vape.  Perhaps the answer lies within a gummy bear. Perhaps the answer just lies and lies. It lies all of the time. The question is whether the answer believes its own lies. Perhaps the answer has forgotten the question. That would make the most sense.

It is looking more and more like the answer to the forgotten question lies within a gummy bear. Or maybe a gummy bear followed by a vape. Followed by a shower with CBD shampoo. I imagine that somewhere, people are getting baptized in CBD water. I bet that’s happening right now.

I could really use some sort of guidance with this. There was this very kind woman who worked at the CBD shoppe in Brattleboro Vermont where I made my CBD purchases. She was probably in her late 60, her arms completely covered in tattoos.She must have spent an hour with me, explaining all of the miracles people were experiencing on CBD. And she revealed a lot about her own experience with arthritis and anxiety and depression and how CBD has helped her far more than any drug.

Except for Ambien. Which is understandable. I mean people with serious insomnia are beyond any natural remedy. Believe me, they have tried. They’ve tried everything. And if you start talking with them about your insomnia, they make you feel like an amateur. They’re the professionals. I will never question what they try. That would be unethical.

For some people, CBD is actually a stimulant. Even the tiniest dosage of CBD makes me restless and I’ll jump in a pool and swim as many laps as my brain allows (my body could keep swimming forever on CBD). Or at other times, it might be an aphrodisiac, but only at the most inopportune moments. But that’s another story.

But back to the CBD sales clerk in Vermont. Although she was a fountain of knowledge and experience, the only guidance she could offer was for me to experiment. She could not recommend an effective dose. Because everyone responds to it differently. I guess I am on my own with this one.  I was disappointed she could not offer more, but it was still more than worth 5 hours of driving through the mountains, up and down again.