My days are filled feeling angry and hateful and vindictive towards myself and others. I don’t think this is what the people who gave birth to me had in mind. They took their chances. And this is what what came out.
But don’t worry. I’m just in a really bad mood. It will pass as soon as I swim a 1/2 mile. That is usually what it takes.
It would help if I were around people who could bring out the good things I like to think are still there. somewhere. Inside. Lurking. Hiding. Keeping their distance. It’s near the 2 year mark since I came to this town. And at last count, I have made -6 or -7 friends. People meet me to satisfy their curiosity. And then they are gone. I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have friends in Chicago or New York or LA or New Orleans. They are the ones who keep me alive.
Everyone tells me I should find MeetUp groups. And I look for them, but nothing seems very appealing. Or I don’t have the courage to ride a kayak or go hiking with someone I’ve never met. I would think I would have to build up trust with somebody first. If I fell or sank underwater, how would I know if they would save me? And none of the book clubs are reading anything I would ever want to read. The artist groups are for visual artists. I’m not that interested in cooking. Or bitcoins. Thermal bridge modeling sounds kind of cool, at least I love the phrase. But it might not be a good fit. Same for the French language group. Definitely not the board or card game groups. I just don’t have the attention span for that sort of thing. The Dungeons & Dragons group… that sounds way too scary. I don’t think I’d last very long in the UX Support group. And there are so many Holiday parties to not want attend.
So I guess this means I don’t like anything. And I will spend the remainder of my days alone.
Maybe I should form my own group. Or move to a new city where there is a Leonard Cohen group; a Laurie Anderson group; a Kafka group; a Beckett group; a Gertrude Stein group; a staring out the window group; a solitude group; a sleepwalkers group; a Little Prince group; a John Cage group; a train robbery group; a falling asleep on the train group; a failed romantic group; a Vertigo group; a Carla Bley appreciation group; a cereal eaters group; a thunderstorm group; a slow but deep thinkers group; a telepathy group; an ancient cemetery wanderers group; a group for people haunted by regret for bad life decisions. I guess there are lots of things I like. Who cares if most of them do not exist.