I don’t know how wise it is to write when you are falling asleep. How can I expect a reader to not fall asleep? That’s something I really don’t have to worry about because, based upon my calculations, I am the 1 person who reads this blog. But I would not say I am a very loyal reader. I am not. I can be very disloyal. I can turn on people. I can be vengeful and vindictive and vile. I can be soulless and dishonorable. I can be all of those things, but I prefer not to be. But that’s sometimes how I feel. So much pent up anger directed towards one person in particular at work. I’m not sure what to do with it. Were I not so fearful of asserting myself, or imagining what would happen if I asserted myself, perhaps I would not have so much pent-up anger and resentment. I might even be someone who could you might call a fun person. I used to be a fun person. What happened to him?
But instead I’ve become un-fun. Even now. Riding the train. I am not sure why this keeps happening, but I am usually the first to take a seat… and then when I am watching people slowly trickle into the cart, there are always some people who make me cry out to the universe, “please, dear universe, please sway this person away from sitting next to me. Please protect me.” (They are usually a male with no sense of boundaries, eating fried foods). While the people I would feel completely happy sitting next to walk on to the next row. I’m not sure why this keeps happening. It all makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong. That I have done something really wrong to incite the universe to act against me. That this bitterness I feel at my workplace spills over into my non-work life. And when my soul and psyche are stirred up in this way, everything feels like work. Life becomes laborious. Difficult. Not fun. A real challenge.
The frictionless life I have in mind eludes me. Which is not what I had in mind. I really need to be more open to the world. And put up less of a shield. Because the problem with most shields is that they don’t have filters. They just block everything out. The good and the bad. The whole spectrum. It’s a rather barren place to live, behind this shield. I would not recommend it. Not to any of my readers. If you’re thinking of investing in a shield, you better consider the consequences.
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