i still have yet to figure out what i’m doing here. everything feels unnatural, inorganic, out-of-sync, out-of-tune. difficult. i seem to seek out difficult situations and difficult people. i came here voluntarily. and i knew this is how it would be for a while. that’s what i tell myself. because i must be my own cheerleader. that’s not quite what i meant. i meant, i will have to stage my own pep rally. I will say “I can do this!” over and over again until it loses all meaning. until the words are just tones without words inside them.

i don’t think that will help me from worrying about the close friendships i fear i am losing. if only i could find some sort of sign that these friendships will endure. because i am out i the wilderness. and i came here voluntarily.