i wonder if i have either stifled my dreams, hopes and aspirations or if i am just sleep-deprived and lethargic. or if stifling dreams, hopes and aspirations leads to sleep deprivation?
it did not seem all that long ago when all my energies and hopes were aimed at new york, or at least the east coast. it was so exciting to finally find where i was meant to be and to feel wanted there. but i could not find a way to make that work (meaning, i could not find work). and then i had to accept that maybe new york did not really want me there. yet i know that is completely absurd. there are always a myriad of factors and so many beyond the realm of understanding.
So i had to settle. and maybe it is this sense of settling that makes me lethargic. i make gestures to pull myself out of lethargy. writing words, finding images, making sounds, seeing people i like to be around every once in a while. but so much of this is scattered energy. as if i can’t harness these disparate energies into a solid core from which i build things. gather steam and momentum. unsettle.
if anyone reading this can offer any suggestions for how to grow a core, i would appreciate hearing from you.