i can’t tell if it’s healthy or not that all of the clocks in my one-bedroom apartment are set to a different time zone. i know this makes it harder to be in the present. But the non-linearity of it all is good for my training. it keeps me sharp. it keeps me from worrying that i am not sharp.

and with time moving neither forward nor backward, it creates this aura of stillness. a stillness I could hang my hat upon, if only i wore a hat.

i have a lot invested in this stillness. actually, without the stillness, who knows where i’d be? maybe at long last, i could set myself free. free from this habit i’ve fallen into of being older than everyone around me, everywhere i go.

in between completing that last sentence and now, i just discovered  that a dear dear friend has suddenly passed away. i’m utterly deflated and i can’t deal with the process of these shockwaves setting in. but maybe this is why clinging to stillness is part of my fabric. it’s what i count on to survive.

for Wendy H.