i feel awkward writing about the same things over and over again. it’s just that when i think of something different, I forget to write it down. or else i dream it and forget to write it down.

so i have to say again, i am just plagued by this habit of making everything… everything so much harder than it needs to be. like everything. so much harder. than it needs to be.

here is an illustration:

i am still pondering this decision of whether to go to NYC or not for XMAS. i can’t tell if my friend who originally invited me to a XMAS gathering was doing so out of obligation (sometimes known as tradition). Or if it is because my presence is welcome. But why would she invite me then? There are plenty of reasons not to invite someone who lives halfway across the country.

So I could come out on XMAS eve and stay with another a friend who has offered a room in her apartment. But i could not tell if she really would like me to stay for a few days, or if she just feels sorry for me and my lack of finances to pay for a hotel room. But, I remind myself, she could easily not have mentioned that her son would be away and his bedroom would be available. she could easily let that detail go by un-noticed. why could i not accept that?

And then there’s the issue of how many days to stay? I originally considered 6 days, but then I thought that might be at least one day too many. Especially if people only extended these invitations out of politeness. Maybe they would be tired of me after 3 days. Maybe after 3 hours, before dessert is served. Maybe I was more fun to be around when i visited last year, and maybe now, i am less fun. What happens if I run out of things to talk about? It might feel so awkward to be around someone like that. how you politely ask them to leave?

but if I stay here, at home, i will probably feel too isolated, too hermetic. And this will only escalate worry about my new job that starts on Jan. 2. I’m already terrified. but if I stay at home, maybe it would feel even worse.

but i know if i don’t challenge myself to not be hermetic, i will always be hermetic. and how does one grow if one doesn’t take any chances? what happens to someone like that?