A vast field of numbness today. Coupled with bitterness that I feel such numbness. I don’t know who to be angrier at that I find myself in this predicament, going on 5 years now.
Why is this happening? Might there be divine/cosmic forces working against me for some unforgivable transgression I committed who knows when. At birth perhaps? Might it have something to do with my selfishness? My cowardice? My selfish cowardice? And when did these forces first take offense? I wish I could pinpoint the day. But even if I could, I don’t think that would help me in my quest for redemption.
If I could ask for one thing for my next birthday, I would for redemption. But is the asking for that another indicator of selfishness for which there may be no redemption?
It’s just so frustrating, trying to figure out where I stumbled and not figure out how to pick myself back up again. But when I call out to the cosmos to ask help (because I can’t do it alone), I get the sense that I am not on the top of their priority list.