She said, “That’s quite a rut you are in.”
I said, “Thank you. I made it myself. I guess ‘make’ is probably the wrong word. I dug it myself makes a lot more sense. But actually I was hoping you would not even notice it was there.”
She sat there, in the armchair. Staring back at me. Impossible to read.
I didn’t know what to say. “I don’t what to say,” I said.
She continued staring. Or gazing. I guess it was gazing. Gazing continuously for a moment that lasted forever. It was a moment that passed and it made me sad that I would never get it back. It was gone. Gone for good.
She finally said “Why do you look so sad?”
That made me feel so self-conscious. “You’re making me feel so self-conscious,” I said.
She looked away, downward towards the carpet. And she said, “I think I’m beginning to feel self-conscious, too.”
It’s kind of like we’re out on a date, I suggested.
“But didn’t you just tell me you’ve never been out on a date? How would you know?”
I had to think about this. But for some reason, I was having a hard time thinking. And an even harder time pretending I knew how to think. Something about it felt disingenuous. Well maybe not disingenuous. But it didn’t feel authentic. And that made me feel inauthentic.
Finally I said, “I didn’t mean to imply that I’ve never been on a date. But I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date with you.”
She didn’t say anything.
“Unless this is a date,” I added. “Is this a date? Are we out on a date?”
She looked like she was about to answer. But then I was compelled to interrupt. “I guess we are not out of a date. But all of these “is this a date?” “Is this not a date?” questions seem so antiquated, don’t you think?”
“Outdated?” She asked.
“Yes, it seems like we are not out on a date. But it does seem like we are a little outdated.”
And then I said, “I don’t mean that you are outdated. I only meant that we are outdated. But then again how would I know since I’ve never been out on a date?”
“You know more than you think you know,” she said.
“Well, at least that’s reassuring,” I replied. Because it was.