I’m not sure what the deal is with the past 2 weeks, but I have been in the foulest foulest mood. Irritated at myself. Irritated at people, places and things that are not myself. I just want everything to move as far away from me as possible. Just a few minutes ago, while waiting for the train, somebody stopped to ask me if this was the line for the train to Providence. But I could not hear him very well. Because I wasn’t wearing my hearing aids. Because I was avoiding hearing people. Which can be problematic when I do want to hear people. But I had no idea if I wanted to hear this person or not. At first, I thought he was going to ask me for money so I just shook my head ‘no.’ Then I actually did hear him ask someone else if it was the Providence train. But instead of feeling bad for not helping a stranger, I thought, that’s presumptuous. Don’t you think it’s presumptuous for a stranger to presume you can hear them or understand their language? Muttered English is an entirely different language than spoken English.
And then there’s me. I keep dropping things. And then muttering “fuck!” to myself. If someone made a recording of me in my apartment these days, that would probably be the only word they would hear me utter.
I’m so glad you’re not around to hear it. I hope this is not really me.