What to do when you are attracted to someone who is sitting and facing you on the train? Do you try not to gaze in her direction? But it’s so hard to write and every time I stop typing to contemplate the next word I type, I always look up, my gaze shifts from my computer. It’s my habit. And when I look up, I see her facing me and I worry that she thinks I am staring at her. If I made her feel uncomfortable, I would feel horrible about that. It would be the worst. So I try to focus on the door, on the exit sign. But who am I kidding?
The workdays pass by without feeling, without desire or longing. Only absence of feeling, desire and longing. What does one do when they emerge and one has to suppress? The one time all week one feels anything? I wish I knew. Why is everything so misplaced?
Another strange thing. People have told that when I am speaking to them, I often look down, as if I am avoiding their gaze. I’ve been rejected by jobs because this happens in situations where I am uncomfortable, such as an interview. Or dinner with my family.
And now when I look up, I see she is reading. And I sort of miss when she wasn’t reading. It’s all so strange. I hope that she actually likes to read. That it isn’t because of any unease I am making her feel that is forcing her to read. That would feel horrible, too.
I suppose I could move to another part of the train, but then she might think that she is making me uncomfortable. And that would make me feel even more uncomfortable.
These things happen when people aren’t invisible even when they feel invisible. If only one could have more of a say over one’s invisibility. If I had a say, I think I would be against it. In spite of the consequences.