the fatigue washed over me as I had never been washed over before. It did more than that. it nullified me. actually, that’s an overstatement. as far as i know, i am not completely nullified. i am here. maybe a bit decimated. But they tell me it will pass.
the oppressive july heat on a Saturday afternoon, i wade through it as someone wades through quicksand. the sun, the midday sun is an assault upon my spirits and sensibilities. i sit here at a cafe patiently waiting to see if it will ever set. there are no imminent signs of that occurrence. not a cloud. not a shadow.
winter cannot come soon enough.
it’s an imposing combo. my reverse seasonal affective disorder (R.S.A.D.) and my aloneness in this city that is feeling more inhospitable with each passing day. my confidence has never been lower. how i can i rise above such lowness? what will it take? who will rescue me?
i wander around partly because i like to wander. but also partly because i have not yet found an apartment. 5 months of living in room in a stranger’s house. there are many many places i would like to live. i just cannot afford any of them. so i stay in this room. and I spend my days wandering away from it. there is no home anymore.
occasionally people will ask me why I came here. why someone would come to a place where i have no family or friends. there are friends scattered here and there in massachusetts, but i would not consider them to be my confidantes.
i just realized where confidence comes from. it comes from confidantes. one single kindred soul would be earthshaking.
i hope you will forgive this dark little post. it is not me speaking. it is the fatigue using my laptop.