These are the only words I have spoken today. This was in response to the ringing of the iphone that belongs to the woman who sits next to me at work:

Hey. That sounds just like my alarm clock.

To which she responded:

Sorry, I hope it didn’t startle you. Sorry

To which I replied:

No it’s ok. I needed to be woken up.

Otherwise most of my attempts at communication in the past couple of days have gone awry.

I was supposed to look at an apartment in Salem that is owned by someone at work. I I told her I would be there at 6:45. But I had a dyslexic moment with Google Maps, entering 426 instead of 246 Essex Street, which led me far astray, like about a mile. And as I was making my way in the right direction, I was sending her email updates because I did not have her phone number:

I’ll be there in like 6 minutes

Followed shortly by another email:

I’ll probably be there in about 6 minutes

And one more email:

I should be there within the next 10 minutes.

When I finally arrived, 30 minutes late, she was gone. And I sent another 3 extremely apologetic emails, asking if I could still see the apartment, if it was still available.

But I never heard from her again.

This seems to be my lifelong pattern. I take action to move towards something that interests or excites me… and then once I am almost there, I freeze up or do something to sabotage whatever I am striving toward. Like not double-checking an address until I’ve walked over a mile out of my way.  It happens at work, in art, in apartment hunting, in relationships, in failed relationships, in toothbrush buying, in movie picking, in staying at home or venturing out.

There is always some hurdle to jump over, and if there isn’t, I create one. I create conflict, and uncertainty and struggle and fear–where there does not need to be any.

These days, when I am down on myself for not creating anything, I just need to remind myself that I am creating all of the time.