Can’t or Don’t

It’s so strange to me. Confoundingly strange. I can’t seem to converse with any of my co-workers after 4 months on the job. In fact, I am regressing. And the strange thing is… it’s impacting my productivity.

There’s a couple of people in my work area that started working here a few weeks ago. And they already seem to know everybody, and people are seeking them out. And they seem to have made a lot of friends.

Maybe I would notice this less if I didn’t work in this vast open space. At first I was thrilled that there were no cubicles. I found it refreshing. I thought it would be this major transformation. The isolation of work would not bleed into life.

But when I see people all around me saying hello and goodbye to each other and asking each other out for lunch and talking about non-work things… and no one is talking to me, I feel this powerlessness. And this powerlessness is slowing down my productivity.

I cannot seem to accept not fitting in. Or maybe I should say that I wish I could accept not fitting in. But I yearn so much to find a way to fit in without anyone noticing that I don’t really fit in.

I think maybe this is a difference between 2 words. “Can’t” and “Don’t.” To say I can’t fit in is vastly different than saying I don’t fit in. It such a huge difference. Power versus powerlessness.

I can write. But quite often, I don’t write.

BUT

If I could move freely from place to place and person to person and find a way to fit in while not fitting in, wherever I go, now that would be really helpful. 

I used to have that skill. But it seems to have eluded me.

 

About The Lost Pedestrian

In my wanderings throughout the moments/days/years, I try in earnest to find the mystical within the mundane and the mundane within the mystical, oftentimes confusing one from the other. I have wandered and roamed through many a city, many a town, in a state of wonder and bewilderment, without necessarily going anywhere. I am easily lost, but eventually found. (I am guessing you have just found me). My sincere hope is that you will find Something in this warehouse of thought, memory and false memory, words, numbers, tangents, murmurs, echoes (lots and lots of echoes), voices, dreams, and other paraphernalia.
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