It’s so strange to me. Confoundingly strange. I can’t seem to converse with any of my co-workers after 4 months on the job. In fact, I am regressing. And the strange thing is… it’s impacting my productivity.

There’s a couple of people in my work area that started working here a few weeks ago. And they already seem to know everybody, and people are seeking them out. And they seem to have made a lot of friends.

Maybe I would notice this less if I didn’t work in this vast open space. At first I was thrilled that there were no cubicles. I found it refreshing. I thought it would be this major transformation. The isolation of work would not bleed into life.

But when I see people all around me saying hello and goodbye to each other and asking each other out for lunch and talking about non-work things… and no one is talking to me, I feel this powerlessness. And this powerlessness is slowing down my productivity.

I cannot seem to accept not fitting in. Or maybe I should say that I wish I could accept not fitting in. But I yearn so much to find a way to fit in without anyone noticing that I don’t really fit in.

I think maybe this is a difference between 2 words. “Can’t” and “Don’t.” To say I can’t fit in is vastly different than saying I don’t fit in. It such a huge difference. Power versus powerlessness.

I can write. But quite often, I don’t write.

BUT

If I could move freely from place to place and person to person and find a way to fit in while not fitting in, wherever I go, now that would be really helpful. 

I used to have that skill. But it seems to have eluded me.