i am trying to feel more hopeful about things in a way that feels genuine. not as a way to sidestep around a history of losses and disappointments i feel powerless to overcome. not as a pretend hopefulness that cannot acknowledge this history.
but i am not sure what to do with this history. it confounds me. i want it to be something else. i want it to not be. anywhere. there is no place for a history such as this.
i just want to be lighter. I want to shed it all.