this is just a secret between you and me. so please don’t tell anyone.

i’ve been offered a job in another part of the country and i’ve been either wrestling with the decision, or trying to distract myself from the decision as much as possible this weekend. i seem to like distraction a lot better.

i think the positives about the job are very abstract. there’s not very much i like about it, except that it would be some kind of change. and change is what i have yearned for. if you happen to have followed my blog, this may be old news by now. it’s old news for me.

but i somehow can’t make the move, and i can’t tell if it’s because of not knowing anybody in the area and having to start anew in finding a support base of people, and who knows how long could take… and then the red flags about the job:

I would be supervising 3 people. One of those 3 has held that very same position in an interim capacity and had applied for it when it became permanent. So that would be 1 person. The other 2 people have had issues with my potential supervisor, although he would not go into specifics about what those issues were. Since I had nothing to lose, I asked him how they might feel about someone else who was not already their colleague being hired, and I was told there was no way of predicting. there might be some resistance. they might feel loyalty to their colleague.

this is the first i’ve written about it, and as I type these words, it occurs to me, “so why would anybody in their right mind want to enter that situation?”

but that is countered with another voice that is telling me that although I yearn for change, I cower in the face of change. that i am just using these perceived red flags as excuses.  And that if I pass up on this opportunity and decide to stay put for now, that this would signify failure and defeat and resignation … and i’ll never be able to change anything ever.

that is the crux of it. my instincts are to say “no,” but maybe those are just fears and not really instincts. in which case, i have no clue as to what my instincts are telling me.

hopefully, now that i’ve attempted to at least say something about this situation, that will be all i need to get over the hump and start writing again about things that really matter.