i am gradually learning that not only can i brush my teeth while standing on one foot, but that it is totally acceptable. it took forever to realize that. i’m not sure why.

i decided to take advantage of not having plans tonight by staying home and working on this video that i can’t seem to finish. i wonder if it is not meant to be. i’m not sure why. it just gets more and more convoluted.

this video has become much bigger than it actually seems. there’s so much riding on it. i mean, until i finish it, i can’t find an apartment or a job or dog or any new meaningful relationships. the video has become a blockage. a thing that keeps me stuck. but once i finish it … who knows?

usually, i can get into some sort of flow to carry me through a project. and this project has this fleeting moment of flow that i quickly lose and then discover over and over again that you can’t really force flow.

flow is one of those inexplicable forces that exists when you stop trying to attain it. but y0u have no real choice but to try to attain it, and then fail at it, and then walk away from it. and then when you’re completely elsewhere, it comes back to you.

it takes effort to find a way to be that does not feel like it requires effort. you have to be present in the elsewhere. you know what i mean?