i am trying to rise above this sinus/ear infection and trying to drown out the ringing that drowns out so many other things. but it just feels really really hard.

at first, i was freaked to have so much more ringing and so much less hearing. but i somehow can hear a voice in the distance telling to just be patient, and not to panic. i can hear that voice through the ringing.

and my way  of not panicking has been to practice piano a lot more these past few days. so strange. maybe i sense improvement with my piano skills since i cannot hear my mistakes quite as loudly. or it creates a subtle shift in focus that allows things to happen that wouldn’t happen otherwise. or maybe it’s because I temporarily put aside my piano primer “Adult Piano Adventures,” and starting working with Bartok’s Mikrokosmos. All of these simple but strange vaguely Eastern European little exercise melodies that begin and end so strangely and unpredictably. i have no idea if i am playing the right notes, but i love it. it’s the perfect music for sinus infections.

all of those unintended things. i rely upon so much that is unintended. the best things seem to occur oblivious to my intentions.

none of this means i should go around without any intentions. i like to think i have good intentions.

but maybe intentions are just superfluous… in the scheme of consequences. it’s consequences that really matter. but it’s nice when intentions and consequences align. but how can that happen?