i think i’m worried. and if i’m not worried, i should be worried. i worry that i am devolving into a mean-spirited person. once in a while i notice that i am walking around in a tunnel. if not a tunnel, than a bubble. a soundproof bubble.
i’m thinking of all of the security guards in my building at work who wave hell0 to me. and i just walk past them, in some sort of time delay. i notice the traces, but too late to trace my way back. what must they think of me? these friendly security guards who really mean it when they say “good morning” or “have a good night.” they are being sincere. sometimes i’m there to respond in kind, but not all of the time. which is worrying to me.
tonight at the grocery store, the cashier was about to hand me my change and he asked if a $50 bill would be ok. i heard his voice, but not the words, so when he handed me the $50 bill, i asked if he could break that for me. But he could not, he said apologetically, because he had already closed the cash register drawer. And I think I may have responded with one of those impatient sighs that i hate when i witness it with other people. and i walked away. Just like that, I walked away. And as I was walking away, i replayed the scenario in my head, and thought, gosh, he was being nice and trying his best and i did not even acknowledge that. what kind of person does that?
i guess it could have been worse. at least i did not say, “Can I speak to your supervisor?” at least i did not go off on some sort of rampage.
and then i complain when other people are being rude. as if i do not play a part in that. as if i am some sort of saint.
what is happening to me? it’s worrisome. i could blame it on the numbness that takes ahold of me during a numbing workday. but still… it’s uncalled for.
if i had to say a prayer before I sleep tonight, i would pray for help in becoming a nicer person, kind of like who i used to be. help, i need help.