i am prone to flights of delirium that quickly collapse into waves of panic. it’s a nasty habit i must learn how to break. for well over a week, my job has utterly oppressed and depleted me. in a moment of panic, i was convinced it was stealing my soul. so i turned to a place i had rejected over 3 months ago. And I begged. and I pleaded. Take me back, take me back.

I spent over 3 hours crafting an email, pleading my case to be taken back. I really mean it this time, I wrote. And I proofread it, read it over and over again. And finally sent it out. And that felt good for about 90 minutes.

And then another wave hit me shortly after my plea. what if they agreed to take me back, would i really want to go there? what was i thinking? what had possessed me? my god, what have i done? I asked.

but it was too late to intercept the email.

i guess i don’t know how to live without chaos. i should have learned by now.