rehearsed with our loosely assembled band tonight. we tried out one of my songs-in-progress… which meant that I had to act as “director,” a role i only accept with great… with great… um… what’s the word? trepidation? humility? ambivalence? (i think i’ve just identified my 3 greatest attributes…. 3 is better than zero, they tell me).

still, i wish i didn’t have to go through these elaborate contortions in order work past my 3 greatest attributes, and somehow direct people. that’s the problem. if you come up with ideas for other people to execute… such as performers…. it falls upon the idea generator to generate a vision for the other performers to latch upon. directing is such an isolating endeavor. i don’t know why anyone would want to do it who is not a control freak.

maybe i’m just innately anti-authoritarian. maybe just antiquarian,  maybe i’m innately afraid to take charge. maybe i just want to be on equal footing with everyone else. i want them to like me. i want them to see me as more than a director, but as someone they could always count upon forever, no matter what.

but if I go with that approach, nothing ever gets generated or accomplished. so in a way, i am providing a focal point, even though my focal point is off somewhere when i need it most. fighting with a ghost. And that’s why no one can see it… the focal point, in absentia. But I assume they think i know it is there. I can’t stress enough how wrong they are.

if you, or an acquaintance should ever ask me what it is i like about directing, I might answer, i like the part where i step down and someone else takes over. or i like the part where i am directing but no one has arrived for rehearsal just yet. i like the part where I am late while searching for parking, holding up rehearsal. I like the part where once I arrive,  I apologize to everybody for taking so long to find parking.  And I like the part where they say: that’s really ok. We barely made it here ourselves.

But then i feel bad for putting them out of their way for me… and that’s when the trouble really begins.