I ended my nearly 48 hours of not speaking to anyone but cashiers and front desk clerks around 9pm this evening when my mother called. It was very very tempting to extend the duration, but how can you not answer the phone when your 83 year old mother calls and you have not seen her in 3 or 4 weeks? not even I could do that.

this was a day where I really did have so much to offer but pretty much kept it all inside. i will try not to judge myself too harshly. i will try not think of words like “selfish” or “wasteful.” As the Oracle told me, I may think that I am a lone wolf.. but she said I am very much a tribal being.

somewhere some time after art school, I decided to craft playing the lone wolf as a romanticized excuse for shyness and lack of confidence. I never imagined I would craft it so well that it entrapped me much of the time since. I never even considered that people might mistake your shyness for aloofness. Your silence for snobbery.*

but now I am determined to break through it, in spite of the weekend’s regression.

*Bob Dylan, The Groom’s Still Waiting at the Altar