Declaration of Independence

I can’t seem to shake it. Whatever ‘it’ is. This feeling that I am losing or have lost everything. I am clinging to twigs for support against this paralyzing isolation. Everything feels difficult. Everything has at least 1 fear attached to it. If there is a sign of hope, it is soon obliterated by fear and hopelessness.

I have only myself to blame. I mean it’s unfair to blame anyone else. I can’t say for sure that my friends have deserted me, just because they write or call or check up on me. They have no idea what I am going through. And the 2 friends who are present, Lynn and Carrie, only see my surface pretend act. But at least they are there for at least part of me.

It does not help that I am not reaching out to anyone as I sink deeper and deeper. It’s almost as if I have forgotten how. How not to feel like an intruder or an imposition.

Interestingly enough, oddly enough, my only distraction from sinking deeper and deeper occurs underwater. While swimming laps. I have no idea why I swim laps. Maybe it’s something to do with my body’s Declaration of Independence from my mind. My body just wants a pure experience of adrenaline and exertion. And it is usually so peaceful there, underwater, even 4 feet of water.

My body believes that if it can drag me with it, moving through water, it can take me anywhere. No matter how resistant I may be to going anywhere. My body doesn’t really care. And I can’t really argue with it. I don’t like to argue. I am not very good with conflict, especially the internal kind. My body exists in a place where the concept of isolation and all of its sub-concepts do not exist.

My body is the one who is typing these words. My mind just doesn’t have the energy for conversation. What is there to say?

About The Lost Pedestrian

In my wanderings throughout the moments/days/years, I try in earnest to find the mystical within the mundane and the mundane within the mystical, oftentimes confusing one from the other. I have wandered and roamed through many a city, many a town, in a state of wonder and bewilderment, without necessarily going anywhere. I am easily lost, but eventually found. (I am guessing you have just found me). My sincere hope is that you will find Something in this warehouse of thought, memory and false memory, words, numbers, tangents, murmurs, echoes (lots and lots of echoes), voices, dreams, and other paraphernalia.
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