i started weeping at the movies tonight. The movie was kind of sad, but not as sad it made me feel. The movie was just a trigger. I’ve been crying a lot of late. As I realize how much I have pushed away from all of the good things  that have happened in my life, all of the good people, all of the good situations. Because I was so intent on making things into more of a struggle than they needed to be. Sooooo much more of a struggle.

And I was so immersed in surviving this struggle day after day that I seem to have forgotten. I seem to have forgotten to create a life for myself. It wasn’t intentional. Not consciously anyway. Consider it to be an oversight of monumental proportions. I forgot to surround myself with people who I love who love me. And I forgot to have a partner. And I forgot to have a child or 2. And a home. It wasn’t intentional.

So at the movies tonight, in a theater in a city that stills feels foreign after more than a year, more foreign than when I arrived, I realized that I may have missed my window of opportunity. There’s nothing on the trajectory I am currently on that suggests anything, such as myself, will change. But it has to, doesn’t it? But how?