110

maybe if i were living more in an abstraction i would like it better here. but one of the problems is that i am living in the literal most of the time. and i can’t seem to rise above it. i guess what i am getting at is that i completely misunderestimated the full weight of loneliness here. i knew it would be hard, but i didn’t expect things to start off as well as they did and gradually tilt downward with each passing moment in my first 110 days. can that be right? have i really been here 110 days?

i almost feel guilty writing about this because i don’t want to disappoint all of the prognosticators who forecast only positive things happening, in this place, at this time, by now.

i guess there are positives.

i have a quiet room to type these words.

i’ve almost made a couple of friends.

i’ve heard amazing early music in cavernous ancient churches. at least 2 Bach cantatas.

i liked the Megacities Asia show at the MFA.

i have a new favorite sushi restaurant, where the bartender knows my name.

i performed a few weeks ago before 20 strangers in a tiny room.

i’ve found at least 5 great places to hike.

i finally met A. who is a friend of my Chicago friend B. for the first time and she bought me dinner at an Ethiopian restaurant.

I have survived many perils of driving and commuting. Boston is far scarier than either Chicago or New York.

so I guess it’s mainly at my job that things are declining. Somehow I can’t get that to work for me. I can’t find my voice. And no one is really asking for it. I wish I could figure out how fix this problem.

especially with L. you see, L is a friend and she helped me land this job. and now she is one of the 3 people i report to. i spoke to L. before I accepted the job offer and told her that i would only take the job if it did not impact our friendship. She assured me it would not.

but it feels like it has. my friendship with L and her partner H was a major factor in my decision to give this place a try. But since I moved here 100 days ago, I have only seen them socially one time, my 2nd week. And apart from the weekly meetings where I have to give “progress” reports to L and my other 2 bosses, she barely acknowledges me. Today I saw her 2 feet away from me, talking to the woman on the other side of my “cubicle.” When they finished talking, she did not even say hello.

i guess I could look at that as a positive, in very skewed way. i don’t have to worry about any discord between friendship and work relationship. because now there is only a work relationship.

 

So i should be relieved at the near absence of discord.

but i am not.

 

 

 

 

About The Lost Pedestrian

In my wanderings throughout the moments/days/years, I try in earnest to find the mystical within the mundane and the mundane within the mystical, oftentimes confusing one from the other. I have wandered and roamed through many a city, many a town, in a state of wonder and bewilderment, without necessarily going anywhere. I am easily lost, but eventually found. (I am guessing you have just found me). My sincere hope is that you will find Something in this warehouse of thought, memory and false memory, words, numbers, tangents, murmurs, echoes (lots and lots of echoes), voices, dreams, and other paraphernalia.
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