maybe if i were living more in an abstraction i would like it better here. but one of the problems is that i am living in the literal most of the time. and i can’t seem to rise above it. i guess what i am getting at is that i completely misunderestimated the full weight of loneliness here. i knew it would be hard, but i didn’t expect things to start off as well as they did and gradually tilt downward with each passing moment in my first 110 days. can that be right? have i really been here 110 days?

i almost feel guilty writing about this because i don’t want to disappoint all of the prognosticators who forecast only positive things happening, in this place, at this time, by now.

i guess there are positives.

i have a quiet room to type these words.

i’ve almost made a couple of friends.

i’ve heard amazing early music in cavernous ancient churches. at least 2 Bach cantatas.

i liked the Megacities Asia show at the MFA.

i have a new favorite sushi restaurant, where the bartender knows my name.

i performed a few weeks ago before 20 strangers in a tiny room.

i’ve found at least 5 great places to hike.

i finally met A. who is a friend of my Chicago friend B. for the first time and she bought me dinner at an Ethiopian restaurant.

I have survived many perils of driving and commuting. Boston is far scarier than either Chicago or New York.

so I guess it’s mainly at my job that things are declining. Somehow I can’t get that to work for me. I can’t find my voice. And no one is really asking for it. I wish I could figure out how fix this problem.

especially with L. you see, L is a friend and she helped me land this job. and now she is one of the 3 people i report to. i spoke to L. before I accepted the job offer and told her that i would only take the job if it did not impact our friendship. She assured me it would not.

but it feels like it has. my friendship with L and her partner H was a major factor in my decision to give this place a try. But since I moved here 100 days ago, I have only seen them socially one time, my 2nd week. And apart from the weekly meetings where I have to give “progress” reports to L and my other 2 bosses, she barely acknowledges me. Today I saw her 2 feet away from me, talking to the woman on the other side of my “cubicle.” When they finished talking, she did not even say hello.

i guess I could look at that as a positive, in very skewed way. i don’t have to worry about any discord between friendship and work relationship. because now there is only a work relationship.

So i should be relieved at the near absence of discord.

but i am not.