under the cloud of an all-pervasive sadness. all of my attempts to conceal it feel fraudulent to me. but there is no sense in showing it and no sense in hiding it. no matter what, the sadness just gets heavier and thicker and unwieldy’er and heavier. i don’t have the strength to carry it around. and it is not specific or directed towards anyone or anything. it’s just there. i don’t think people really notice. except maybe i do not come across as a very friendly person. which makes me sadder.
today i tried to evade the sadness by swimming laps. i started out fine, but gradually my felt heavier and heavier. the water began to feel like jello, and then sand, and then mud. and i swam and i swam as long as i could go. i am not sure what kept us afloat, me and my body.
and when i emerged from the pool, i felt this sense of buoyancy and upliftedness. and i felt this renewed strength which has enabled me to finish this sentence.